Something a Little Different...

My Thought for the day...

I'm tired of holding on to an idea of what I thought life... "my life" should look like based on how I was told it should look... I don't know if it protects me or traps me, but right now it's confusing me... For all that I've been through thus far, why am I still scared of the unknown, or why am I scared to use my voice at times, and step out this image of what others tell me I am (Sometimes I want to scream... You don't really see me)... I feel like I should be able to face all my fears, yet I still find myself hiding... hiding and/or holding on to a person I no longer am...

Which makes me wonder what am I doing pursuing acting? You have to be courageous to do this... you have to, with all your fears step up to the plate and be willing to have people attack you... Not the character that your playing, not the play, but you... your art. You have to be daring and not afraid to walk that line between sane and insane, life and death (like Sidney Poitier said In Life Beyond Measure)... and as I sit at my desk thinking about all I did to get back to this city to pursue my dreams of acting, I'm still playing it safe... How is this possible? In church today, the minster talked about half ass commitments, and how a lot of times people make half-ass commitments to live their life. I feel like I'm doing that by not really wanting to "go down the rabbit" hole so to speak BUT also not really wanting the midwestern lifestyle that I was raised to value... I feel stuck somewhere between the two very different worlds, and I can't commit to either one yet...

There's no conclusion to this thought yet, but maybe right now there doesn't need to be, it's figuring itself out and I'll go for the ride, and If I'm at a stand still I'll just take in the view...

Uneideted... Literally

Thoughts running overtime....

I sit here at my desk on a Friday night consumed with thoughts. I am suppose to be preparing for a birthday party, but all I can think about is acting… my scene for acting class; my character for movement class and my speech for voice class. During the train ride home I was reading over a part in my scene and I knew cerebrally that I “should” feel something, I should have an opinion about what was going on, but I just sat on the train thinking… thinking…thinking, then I tried to feel, feel, feel and NOTHING. It was a vague emptiness that I felt, which is horrible for an actor. Where is my opinion, my point of view? Then a scary sensation came over me… maybe I couldn’t figure out my point of view about the situation in the scene because I didn’t care. I felt nothing. I kept trying to plug in “as if” but I was blocked nothing came and then I sat there trying to force myself to feel what I “think” I should feel and that just felt fake. It’s weird that when I’m in class hearing my teachers speak about life in the way they do, it is so deep with passion, I’m inspired to do something... I’m inspired to push myself harder... I'm literally bubbling with this creative energy when they speak. They “light the match” so-to-speak. I can't help but wander why can't I do that with my imagination? Movies, the theatre, music, speeches, books can also move me and inspire me to want to do more, be more and not take life for granted. This might be there very reason I wanted to act in the first place is the ability to inspire through stories. Yet when I am working on this scene (and my speech for that matter) I feel robotic, I feel like I am just saying the words “correctly” and not letting the passionate energy push the words out. I can't just feel a slight ripple of energy about life as an actor, I have to allow life to “land” on me…. I have to feel not a ripple but an explosion that tears my heart open so then I SPEAK the line! The words are result of feelings, otherwise why are we talking?

How do you really feel?

The Story

Monday mornings are back! and I'm loving it. Today was the official start week for all classes at Esper Studios, thus meaning the first day of "refresher" Meisner exercises began. I felt like I was on the edge of my seat the entire class taking in what my fellow classmates were bringing to the table. I was eating up my teachers' comments and notes and jotting down the important/or inspired "thoughts" throughout class... and of course waiting in anticipation for my turn to come up next.... which wouldn't be until the end of class, but none-the-less, it came and it felt good. I got praises from other classmates (which is always nice, and great for the ego, but I have to remind myself that my art can not be validated by others, but only myself)... lol, anyways,

What was nice afterwards, I was able to feel what worked and what I needed to work on more without anyone telling me... I was mentally going over the work in my head and questioning why this or that did or didn't happen and when there was a discount btw my partner and I why that might have been going on etc. In this particular situation, I believe the layering element was not stronger enough for me. Which, of course sent my thoughts into overdrive.

The Thoughts

In life, we know that there are many different layers driving us, "so-to-speak" to make certain choices, and actions everyday. Often times we deal with people on a very surface level, putting up walls and showing people only what we want them to see. We maintain connections through, what I call "basic chatter." However, durning this basic chattered that goes on day to day, our various layers that make up our lives can poke through conversations at any given point when sparked, kind of like voicing our opinions. Well, in life those layers are naturally there based on the experiences we've lived through. When doing the Meisner technique exercises, you have to create them, and thus know exactly what each person, relationship, and situation etc means to you. So when the spark comes, you are reacting from a deeper level of understanding, verses just acting on what the idea of it may mean. You have to know how you really feel about any and everything. So Although I knew exactly how I felt about my activity in the scene, I didn't fully commit to how I felt about who my partner was in the scene, but only allowed myself to feel the idea of it.

The Bigger Picture

How do you really feel? And at what level/layer are you expressing it? I think because there are so many layers to each and everyone of us, and we typically don't walk around earth dealing with people on our most intimate levels. When behavior sparks us deeper then surface we sometimes don't know how to re-act because we haven't really dealt with the issue at it's core. And/or we don't know how we really feel about it. Other times, we've just reacted from such a surface level stance so much by not dealing with it, we just blow it off with a "whatever." We won't let ourselves even entertain the idea that we are vulnerable people. I often have to remind myself that being vulnerable is not a weakness, especially in this world were it can be seen like a plague. Overall when dealing with our own layers and others, I think taking a deeper look at what is at the core and dealing with it at that level can only enrich our lives, interactions and relationships with each others and ourselves.

Months in Review

The Breakdown

Well, last post left off with me "getting out there" Hmmmmmmm, I can't say that's exactly what I've been doing these past couple of months... well at least in terms of acting. I had this great blueprint plan mapped out that consisted of 1) getting test shots, 2) taking classes, 3) traveling and just exploring the art of life so to speak 4) Building a reel 5) Building a website 6) Doing student films (any films actually) 7) Audition, Audition Audition and 8) Book, Book BOOK!

Well, none of that happened. What happened is I got a great job that will take the "starving" out of the "staving artist" lifestyle I've been living. However, with my last year at Esper Studios approaching (next week) and Summer coming to an end, my mind and body natural start to put things back in order of importance. And even with this great job that I could turn into a career, my heart can't wait to get back to the craft of acting. But what is becoming ever so clear is that I have no idea what is about to happen in life... I never saw this job coming and yet, it's turned my life around.

The conversation my friends and I have had about the changes that occured this summer pretty much can be summed up as grind mode. And now, benefits are starting to show up. (THANK GOODNESS!) So with the end of summer apporaching and the beinging of a new season on the rise, I'm back in Blog writing mode, to document the continuation of my process of becoming a successful SKILLED actress. Stay tuned...

To Tweet or Not To Tweet....

The Story
I really need to step my whole internet... Web... networking, etc game up! I was talking with one of my friends who is all about internet communications, web-pages, you tube this, twitter, Linkedin, Facebook or what have you. He thought I was way behind and said "You need Twitter, Facebook is about to be out" in which I gave him the look like "shut up I don't need twitter, I barely update FB, and I really don't need to be hip and trendy with internet communication... do I?"

The Thought
So then I started thinking how my friends who have all of those internet functions use them, is it for business or fun or a little bit of both. Industry people (famous ones) typically get paid to tweet bc they are promoting their where abouts... so I'm told. Well I don't flatter myself that at this point in my life anyone needs or wants to know where I am... I have other friends that use their web stuff as a way to promote themselves or a product or a social event. So it's Marketing. Hmmm, The minute I took the kicks and giggles element out of the web stuff, and let go of the notion web socializing is about self indulging and being nosy I decided that this new media is a part of the industry I need to learn how to get involved with it. So here's to setting up a web-page with my photos, reel and weekly buzz etc... and maybe even a career based twitter depending if someone is going to pay me to tweet my where abouts J/K. Like I said right now people may not care "where" I am, but there are film makers, writers, producers and directors that need to know "who" I am... and what I'm doing, and Twitter my be the place where I can get information out there fast and to the masses...

The Bigger Picture
Get out there!

Go With the Flow...

The Story

My school year is coming to an end. Today was the unofficial last day of acting classes at Esper Studios. This was the last day of exercises and scenes, and there was definitely the want/ desire to kick ass and 'prove myself' so-to-speak. I know that I am finishing this year with more confidence in not just my acting, but in who I am. I have stronger point of views about the life around me, I have a stronger zest to go after what I want in life. I am more open to the world. I try to judge less and aim to understand more. I appreciate the journey I've been on at Esper for opening me up more. I'm allowing myself to be more vulnerable to experience the wide ranges of emotions that life can trigger without trying to dismiss them or block myself from feeling them especially those that are not in my comfort zone.

The Thought

I've been thinking a lot about personal growth and the future. I've thought about the events that have occurred in my life that have impacted my core and changed me. When things start to come to an end, I tend to get emotional, and have a hard time letting go. I hold on to what I know for fear of the unknown. On top of my classes ending, my birthday just past and this will be the year ending my twenties. I can't help but want to put the same pressure on this year as I did during my last class in acting. There is an inner desire to kick ass this year... to 'prove myself' but as sit with these thoughts, I think I have it wrong. Just like in class, being okay with feeling vulnerable and just going with the flow verses forcing emotions or controlling the movement of a scene etc is when you are living moments to the fullest and not taking anything for granted. It's the ride that is the rush or the "fun" part. So I hope to apply the same theory in my everyday life. I hope to be okay with the unknown of the future and stop trying to control or force my life to look a certain way in order to prove to myself or anyone else that I am relevant or I am an actress or I am worthy or whatever else we try to prove to other people, but instead have a plan (objective) go for the objective (do the doing) and see what happens...

The Bigger Picture
The events that have changed the core of who I am today were not foreseen, planned or prepared for... they just happened and life continued to go on, but my original plan needed adjusting, and some plans I needed to just let go of and new ones were developed. So even though mentally I know I can't control the future, there is that inner voice always trying to convince me that I can... that I need to do A, B and C to be "happy" or what have you... and the pressure of wanting to 'prove' yourself can lead to stress or this compulsive behavior of forcing things to happen the way you plotted out for them to happen and you can get stuck with tunnel vision and forget to enjoy life as it occurs around you... I forget that sometimes it's the unknown factors in the world that set us up to get what we really want, or teach us a lesson we will be grateful for the rest of our lives that we learned... So to tie my jumbled thoughts together =)

In my pursuit of an acting career, I have felt the need to 'prove myself' to others that I am an actress... I get stressed out when I don't book work, frustrated when I do lousy on an audition... ready to kick rocks when I don't have any auditions... but again when I apply what I've learned in class to have an objective (pursuit of an acting career) do the doing (audition, network, audition some more, etc) and see what happens than that takes the stress off of me of trying to force anything to happen... because I know something will always happen whether it matches my desire objective or not life will happen and I can chose to be frustrated that it didn't match my plotted plan to a tee or go with the flow and not stress so much about forcing "life" or "proving" anything to anyone.

I'mma put those on the Shelf for now...

The Story
The last few weeks have been jam packed. I haven't had time to sit down and process what I've learned and what I'm feeling about life and my progress with my acting career, school and what not. There are definitely good qualities about just going with the flow and not questioning life and just taking it as it comes, it feels like a fairy tale or a dream state where you are just along for the ride but then when life slows down a little and you have a chance to catch your breath, you start to hear the never ending critic voice "what's next"... "what am I doing"... "what should I be doing"... "How could I have made the last 3 weeks more productive"... "Should I have done that" hmmmm. I have mixed views about this questioning portion of my mental state. I know this mode of thinking can be destructive but in the same line answering those questions can often lead to progression in your journey...

I was able to catch my breath for a second long enough to know that during my small pockets of
"free time" I didn't want to do anything on my "responsible adult lists" I wanted to stay in a world where my only responsibilities were to go to 1) work, 2) bring my "A" game to class, and 3) spend time with a new Love... so I put my hefty list of things to do, goals to accomplish and acting follow up game, on hold for now...

The Thought
As I sit and write about putting my "lists" on hold to focus on classes, work and a man... a part of me cringes at the thought that I can't do it all? Why can't I manage to do all the things on my lists, and work 30+ hours and go to school for 16+hrs per week not including rehearsal times, and spend the quality time that is needed (and wanted) that it takes to get to know someone new. Mentally I can map it out on a piece of paper how to fit everything in, but in reality, my energy levels do not seem to be able to handle all of it right now. So I picked what I wanted to focus on... To say my choices are the right choices is letting myself off the hook a little, because a part of me knows that neglecting the biz side (the networking/follow through) is not the right choice career wise... this industry is about 80% of that. But for me, stressing over the 80% biz part plus dealing with my "must do's" of work and school was not worth my sanity... the way I look at it, I'm still working on my craft so It's not like I am putting my whole career on hold, I'm just focusing on the artistic side only right now.

The Bigger Picture
The point is, when life starts to get too crowded, where your days are greeted with the stress of all the things you want to do and/or need to do etc, there comes a point when you have to prioritize what you will allow yourself to focus on right now in the present and put the other things on the shelves. Sometimes we don't allow ourselves to put things on hold for fear of not picking them up off the shelf. It can also be hard to figure out what you will choose to shelve and what you will choose to deal with especially when you want to do it all and do it all, right now. I know my schedule will open up at the end of May, so I will be able to pick up a lot of things that I needed to shelf for my own sanity. That's why I put them on a "low" visible shelf (lol), I can still see them and they are easy to reach off. But for now they can stay there, so I can juggle my schedule more freely and enjoy it while I'm living it...