The Story
My school year is coming to an end. Today was the unofficial last day of acting classes at Esper Studios. This was the last day of exercises and scenes, and there was definitely the want/ desire to kick ass and 'prove myself' so-to-speak. I know that I am finishing this year with more confidence in not just my acting, but in who I am. I have stronger point of views about the life around me, I have a stronger zest to go after what I want in life. I am more open to the world. I try to judge less and aim to understand more. I appreciate the journey I've been on at Esper for opening me up more. I'm allowing myself to be more vulnerable to experience the wide ranges of emotions that life can trigger without trying to dismiss them or block myself from feeling them especially those that are not in my comfort zone.The Thought
I've been thinking a lot about personal growth and the future. I've thought about the events that have occurred in my life that have impacted my core and changed me. When things start to come to an end, I tend to get emotional, and have a hard time letting go. I hold on to what I know for fear of the unknown. On top of my classes ending, my birthday just past and this will be the year ending my twenties. I can't help but want to put the same pressure on this year as I did during my last class in acting. There is an inner desire to kick ass this year... to 'prove myself' but as sit with these thoughts, I think I have it wrong. Just like in class, being okay with feeling vulnerable and just going with the flow verses forcing emotions or controlling the movement of a scene etc is when you are living moments to the fullest and not taking anything for granted. It's the ride that is the rush or the "fun" part. So I hope to apply the same theory in my everyday life. I hope to be okay with the unknown of the future and stop trying to control or force my life to look a certain way in order to prove to myself or anyone else that I am relevant or I am an actress or I am worthy or whatever else we try to prove to other people, but instead have a plan (objective) go for the objective (do the doing) and see what happens...
The Bigger Picture
The events that have changed the core of who I am today were not foreseen, planned or prepared for... they just happened and life continued to go on, but my original plan needed adjusting, and some plans I needed to just let go of and new ones were developed. So even though mentally I know I can't control the future, there is that inner voice always trying to convince me that I can... that I need to do A, B and C to be "happy" or what have you... and the pressure of wanting to 'prove' yourself can lead to stress or this compulsive behavior of forcing things to happen the way you plotted out for them to happen and you can get stuck with tunnel vision and forget to enjoy life as it occurs around you... I forget that sometimes it's the unknown factors in the world that set us up to get what we really want, or teach us a lesson we will be grateful for the rest of our lives that we learned... So to tie my jumbled thoughts together =)
In my pursuit of an acting career, I have felt the need to 'prove myself' to others that I am an actress... I get stressed out when I don't book work, frustrated when I do lousy on an audition... ready to kick rocks when I don't have any auditions... but again when I apply what I've learned in class to have an objective (pursuit of an acting career) do the doing (audition, network, audition some more, etc) and see what happens than that takes the stress off of me of trying to force anything to happen... because I know something will always happen whether it matches my desire objective or not life will happen and I can chose to be frustrated that it didn't match my plotted plan to a tee or go with the flow and not stress so much about forcing "life" or "proving" anything to anyone.
The Bigger Picture
The events that have changed the core of who I am today were not foreseen, planned or prepared for... they just happened and life continued to go on, but my original plan needed adjusting, and some plans I needed to just let go of and new ones were developed. So even though mentally I know I can't control the future, there is that inner voice always trying to convince me that I can... that I need to do A, B and C to be "happy" or what have you... and the pressure of wanting to 'prove' yourself can lead to stress or this compulsive behavior of forcing things to happen the way you plotted out for them to happen and you can get stuck with tunnel vision and forget to enjoy life as it occurs around you... I forget that sometimes it's the unknown factors in the world that set us up to get what we really want, or teach us a lesson we will be grateful for the rest of our lives that we learned... So to tie my jumbled thoughts together =)
In my pursuit of an acting career, I have felt the need to 'prove myself' to others that I am an actress... I get stressed out when I don't book work, frustrated when I do lousy on an audition... ready to kick rocks when I don't have any auditions... but again when I apply what I've learned in class to have an objective (pursuit of an acting career) do the doing (audition, network, audition some more, etc) and see what happens than that takes the stress off of me of trying to force anything to happen... because I know something will always happen whether it matches my desire objective or not life will happen and I can chose to be frustrated that it didn't match my plotted plan to a tee or go with the flow and not stress so much about forcing "life" or "proving" anything to anyone.
