What's that saying... the sun comes after the rain?

Well even though it was actually rainy and there was no sight of sun here in the city, today I feel much better, bright and cheery again. No tears Yay! Right after I touched down I headed straight to class. (Everyone loved the new hair do btw). And right on time, a new level of work was introduced. Just what my "instrument" needed. Basically we spent the first half of school doing repetition work which helped me to be to see and feel the "subtext" of my scene partners behavior more clearly, and be able to react honestly, as well as trusting my impulses more. Repetition work also can show that its not the words that are so important, it's getting to the root of what caused the words to come out. Also it helps you get out of your head. This new level of working has taken the repetition away and you are free to say what you want as long as its a truthful reaction to what your partner's subtext has done to you. So here's a break down of my work today, and my thoughts on it...

We had a lot of good "moments" but at one point my scene partner and I were beginning to yell at each other and "explain" verses living through each moment. We were pushing, probably because of the awkward silence that occurs when you aren't forced to consistently repeat each other. So I know I am going to need to become more comfortable "feeling" and living through each moment freely vs. controlling it with witty banter, or quick mental comebacks which doesn't allow my scene partners behavior or "subtext" to really hit me and effect me. It's a control thing, that blocks me from being vulnerable. Well here's to level two and learning to become more vulnerable... why do I have a feeling the tears will return HA. The actor in training's life. SMH can we say roller coaster.

A Temper Tantrum

I’m sitting in my hotel room crying my little eyes out like I am 2 year old whose favorite toy gotten taken away from her. Bur instead of it being a “toy” this time, I feel like my comfort zone, my safety net was swooped up right from under me landing me in a world of unknown, not quite New York, and definitely not Kalamazoo. I cut my hair off a couple days ago thinking some how it would rid me off all the negative feelings of frustration that has been building up in me from the past couple of months or so, but it only made me more unrecognizable to myself. I thought my short “break” would aid in me getting a new zest on my journey as an actress, and some how it made me question my purpose in life. In another entry I talked about being able to bring a voice to the voiceless, but right now I feel I can’t even find my own voice to work with. Its like I’m trying to be someone I was years ago… a much more carefree spirit. But as it was pointed out to me by a dear family member, maybe one of my “problems” is that I may still be trying to be that 22 year old that I was at 28. I got my first “critic” of my blog a couple days ago. A friend mentioned that it was a little “safe” HA. She was right to an extent. I tend to sugar coat life to make it a little sweeter. That and my Midwestern (keep all “issues” private) mentality leads me to have a soften feel to my writings. I tend to do this in my acting unless pushed to the limit and then I explode. I have to think that what I am feeling is felt by a number of artists while they are on they own journey of expressions. In terms of Acting, It’s important not to judge. It’s important to gain a deeper understanding of myself because it is my tool, my product if you will. It’s important for me to know what and where my blockage comes from and that playing it safe can only prevent me from the true artistic freedom that I desire. Holding on to past moments because of whatever reasons only means I’m missing out on the present moment and thus doing myself a great injustice not only as an actress but also as a human being. So as I wipe away the last of these evening tears from my eyes, I’ve seem to have found my zest to return to the “rat race.”

Grass is Greener Moment

This is what I needed. My "break" from my city; from the grinding, pounding the pavement, starving artist lifestyle I have in NYC. I know I'm having a "grass is greener" moment right now, but I can't help it! *Smiles*

There is something so zen like about coming back to the midwest. People walk to a different beat here. It feels simple, breathable. No pressure! The highlight of the days are filled with family outings or games of scrabble and monopoly, or a hide and seek (which a fam favorite for my brother, sister-in-law and my nephew), or just everyone bunched together watching a blockbuster, laughing at old memories. My favorite is shooting the shit with my pop's on life love and the future while we watch home improvement shows HA! Life is based around family growth out here for the most part. Where as NYC is based around personal growth, power and success; the best of the best trying to achieve greatness. Oh yes definitely having a grass is greener moment. SMH. Welp, I have two more days until it's time to return to the "rat race." I know when I get there I will fall back in-love with my city, but until then I'll enjoy my midwestern roots.

Thanksgiving can not come fast enough, I need a BREAK!!!

My Monday's start with acting class at Esper Studios (Meisner- That's right). It's a great way to start my week off, Focused. I used to go straight from class to work, but I recently changed this so I would be able to absorb what I've learned and journal a little on the feedback my classmates and I received...

What's tough with a Monday morning class however, is that it's on a Monday morning :) Depending on how I've spent the weekend can, and at this stage, does effect my Monday morning work.

Long Sigh... although I had a strong point of view, and good contact with my scene partner my energy level was low... not a good feeling. But I have to take it for what it is Constructive Criticism and "construct" a plan so that doesn't happen again. My plan starts with a BREAK! I need to re-group my game plan, change up my schedule to allow more time for my craft. I need to get healthy; start back on my workout routine, eat better (maybe I need to finally learn how to cook something other then turkey tacos HA) but seriously if I don't step it up, I'm wasting my time and money... not a good look.

Also I need a break from this city (I still love my NYC) but it has a way of desensitizing me and that not only can hurt me as an actress, but also as a human being. I was on the subway coming home and as normal there was a homeless person on the train begging for money. Now I was sitting there in a trance basically, exhausted from class, mentally going through my notes and just processing my thoughts/emotions. But I was aware of this man and it was weirdest feeling that I nor anyone else appeared to care that there was this human being, dirty then dirt who is begging for anything. That is heartbreaking if you let that in. Now I know that I can't give money or help every single homeless person I see in New York or I'd be broke, but what bothered me this day is that for a moment I didn't care. He was irrelevant. His story was pointless, he meant nothing. It's times like that, that I don't like myself very much. I think I've seen so much just living in New York City these past 5 years that I desensitize myself as a way to protect myself. A way not to let all the negative energy this city has in my life. But as much as I'd love to live in my "Pollyanna" state of mind, I know that the characters I want to play, the voices I want to be able to carry on the stage will not be of that state of mind and I damn well better start caring about more then the bright side of life. Or my work will be surface level and that is a waste. I got in this business because of the ability to inspire greatness, to bring a voice to the voiceless. To tell that man's story.

"BACK AT THE OFFICE"

On a different note...a "lighter note" I'm back at the office tonight... which means auditioning. I took a class with Candice Alustiza (Casting Director from Ugly Betty) and she said as actors we should understand that our job is not to "act" but to be great AUDITION-ERS. Thus being said I'm meeting two different Commercial Agents for potential representation, One from CESD the other from KTA. I have a good feeling about both because I am represented in print by CESD and I used to intern at KTA when I first moved to NYC.

So now how does an Actress prepare for "first impression" meetings. Well I think knowing where you fit in the commercial world helps. This isn't wall street, so suits are not needed, however dressing with style is a must. I've heard "dress like you are a celebrity that is going to be on Letterman"..."Dress for your type"... "Wear blue" (lol- yep I've heard that before). But for me I typically dress for what my commercial type is; fresh face, young student, casually funky (think Urban Outfitters). Choose Comm. Copy (script) that fits your type/age range. It shows the Agents and Casting Directors you "get it" and "get yourself". I'll go about 2o mins early and

jot down what I wore, what I'm feeling, what was said etc and add it to my files. Then I'll make sure to include what I'm currently working on, and what Casting Directors know me personally and which ones bring me in. I'll let me talent speak the rest and hope there is a connection. I think often times, we as actors are so thirsty to get representation, we don't stop to ask if we click with the agent. Having interned at a Talent Agency, and I know that they work harder if a genuine relationship is formed. (No, this does not mean best buds, but respected business partner type relationship) and I always leave the interview with a smile and a "Thank You." I got my print agent this way. I've been called in for second interviews with Agents by doing this and built my list of Casting Directors who bring my in for commercial. So Here's hoping there's a "Click" tonight.

The First Thought

"It is not childish to live with uncertainty, to devote oneself to a craft rather than a career, to an idea rather than an institution. It's courageous..." -David Mamet

I read Mamet's True and False in 2005, the summer before I first moved to NYC to pursue my life as an actress...well fast forward 4 years later (HA) I still have to read his words to ground myself. Living in New York City and trying to become a professional actress is full of uncertainty and often times I feel more like a child then a courageous artist. But giving up on my dreams because the road may be unstable SMH...is not an option. So I keep Pounding the Pavement.

This is my journal of my road to success. The blood sweat and tears; the fashion, the industry parties, the networking games, and of course what my next 5 years will be full of... the AUDITIONS.