No Whammies, No Whammies.... Damn Double Whammies

The Story

The last two weeks I had a lot of "potential" jobs... I had 4 print go-see's (high paying might I add) and 1 automatic hold without even having to attend the go-see because the photographer remembered auditioning a friend and I over a year ago for a Microsoft and wanted us on hold. (Being on hold, again means they are interested in you and it's pretty much between you and another)... Then I had a commercial audition yesterday, which I left feeling pretty damn good about... and had confirmation from the casting director that I did really well, so if I didn't get it... then it's because they want a different type... Sooo all that to say A lot of "potential" was in the air.

Well today was a Double Whammy... back to back, I was released from the hold for the commercial that shoots tomorrow, and then two hours later I was released from the print gig. (Released means that you weren't the one they chose) UGH! I allowed myself to throw about a 10 minute pity party and move on with life. (Why can't it be that easy to do with boys? LOL) anyways....

The Thought

As I was sharing my rejection pains with a fellow actor, I had the slight thought... how many times could I get rejected without booking anything before I "snapped." I think people who want to get into this biz have to be able to hear no, and be rejected over and over and over again and understand that you might never hear yes, but be okay with the pursuit of the dream... and still not start to doubt themselves or their talent.

Now, I've heard "yes" before... and I hear "maybe" often (being put on hold)... but I have heard "no" the most yet still I pound the pavement. After the gloom goes away, the hungry pains increase, but I'm careful not to turn into a "broken actor", who Casting Directors and Agents can smell the desperation oozing out the moment they walk in. Those who have let the rejection get to them and they are out for blood so-to-speak. They no longer seem human, they come across as drug fiends. I see many in my line of work at the networking company. It's in there eyes and their behavior... it's as if the world is weighing down on their chest and "this" meeting with "this" Casting Director (as known as another HUMAN BEING) is the only one who can save them...

I can actually see how this comes about... I believe it's the taste of success that causes this addicting fiend like behavior. You start to crave it, need it. It's gratifying, it gives you a sense of being invincible at times, hell it makes you feel good, makes you feel worthy. Now, the stronger I become in my faith I'm starting to understand that with or without success, I am worthy... I am enough. However, in this industry, sometimes the biz plays tricks on your foundation and fucks with your head. It makes you think "you are only as good as your last job."

The Bigger Picture

Today, I was feeling rejected and like I wasn't enough, I was about to start the downward spiral of second guessing myself, and try and figure out WHY THEY DIDN'T PICK MEEEEEEEEE!!! (LOL) but I can't allow myself to go down that road... it leads to no where. This got me thinking how in life we often ask the ridiculous question "Why"... yes there are times it serves it's purpose, more often in my life... it proves to be irrelevant. This also got me thinking about how success can be a driving force of proving our own self worth either to ourselves or others. I once heard the saying don't let others tell you who you are. I think that can even go deeper, the net of it is, not letting the outside world be your validation of worth. Rejections will come, success can come and go... you might be praying for the jackpot but hit the whammy, that's just the way this cookie crumbles, but no matter what, you are worthy... you are enough, and don't let anything or anyone take that away from you.

The Follow Through...

The Set Up
I played basketball for a number of years growing up, and yes I was quite good... more so with defense (you definitely weren't taking me to the hole). I was great with assists and stealing the ball...all that was cool. However, when it comes to offense, well I could definitely drive the ball and okay so (not dunk) but do a really smooth lay-up, ANY ways... I could not do a jump shot to save my life! Could it have been the follow threw Hmmmmm.

The Story
In "showbiz" the business side deals with all types of follow throughs. When you meet with industry people (Casting Directors, Agents, Managers, Producer, Directors) your goal is to of course make it known that you are a talented actor, and spark interest (a friend once told me you have to make people care about you, still working on that and getting a little better though... being polite and modest are not always the best tools in this game) ... but besides this, you need to get some form of contact information to keep them updated on what you are doing. This is the Follow Threw. The follow threw in basketball last for seconds after you take a shot... however, after you take a "shot" in this industry... the follow through can last a lifetime.

Thus far I have about 10 industry personal to keep updated with what I am doing... any many many many more to met and build relationships with. For example, I have 2 print agents, both are consider tops in the print/commercial world here in NYC (Abrams Artist/ and CESD). I recently started working with Abrams as of January 2010, but I met them over 3 months ago... which I say only to show that just because someone is not calling you at lightening speed, doesn't mean they are not going to call you. However, every time I was put on hold or booked a project... a postcard went out to them informing them of my news.

Another example, I met with Craig Holzberg, owner of Avalon Artist Group (Bi-Coastal Agency) back in the fall of 2009, and about a week later I sent a Thank you note for his time, the meeting and his feedback... and about 3 weeks later I got a call from Erica Moran, the head of the commercial depart at Avalon asking for me to come in for a formal meeting... Now I freelance with them for commercials. BUT... the important part here is that the follow threw does not stop there... I still need to build that relationship. Keep her informed on what's new and good...

But these are a few of the times I was on my follow threw game... however, there are a number of times I fall short. Ideally I would like to set a time daily dedicate to only the "follow threw." And since getting my new apartment and having my "office space" set up I feel like I will be able to fill out this fantasy LOL...

The Bigger Picture
As I sit here at work, day dreaming about how I'm going to become an all-star player in terms of my "follow-threw", I think about how life is really made up of following through with things. Yesterday, I had a mini-breakdown, primarily because I had not followed through with what I needed to do. Sometimes, I get in a tiff with friends because I don't follow through with what I say I'm going to do... (I often have a good reason) but none-the-less, it's disappointing to them all the same. One boy, years ago (my friends know the story well), this dude actually had the nerve to call me a flake because of my follow through... or non-following through skills LOL/SMH... I still hold a place for him in my heart (well not quite heart, but you get the picture) because at that time in my life... he was right, I most certainly was a flake. I've come a long way since those days, but there is still room for needed improvement, whether it be in terms on my acting career, or my word, or my goals.

Life Goes On...

The Story
I'm at work holding back tears because I'm stressed out! (And I was just on cloud nine because I moved into a brand new beautiful apartment and I love it)... but how my emotions can change in a blink of eye. My medical insurance ended... and procrastination has gotten the best of me yet again because I was suppose to have been dealt with my insurance at the beginning of the month... but I kept putting it at the bottom of my list of things to do... and when I went to apply today there was a 3 hours + waiting list... WHO THE FUCK HAS TIME TO SIT IN A SMALL DIRTY ASS ROOM FOR 3 HOURS... why can't I just fax the information in! I really don't know what to do... If I have to potentially wait for 3 hours... Fine, I'll go on my day off... but what is weighing on my chest is that I have no more medicine and this is a problem because I had a kidney transplant in 01' and I need medicine to make sure my body does not reject my kidney... needless to say, I'm a little worried- well my fear is that now that everything is coming together in my life... I'm scared that everything is going to crumble apart like it has in 06' and again in 08' and this time it will be my fault because instead of accepting that I have health issues, and dealing with them like an adult... I do what I do best and pretend they don't exist. So here I am, chest is tight... I can't have a breakdown because I'm at work... so I'm just waiting til 10:30pm to go home and cry in my pillow (because that's going to solve it) I know, I know that's not going to solve anything, I just need to release this stress and deal with it on my "day off".... Ugh really not feeling myself right now!

Tough Choices
When I'm going through frustrating times, I tend to want to take a "time out" of my life and hope that when I come back all problems are gone. What I don't want to do when I'm stressed out is make tough choices... but I am now faced with going to the doctors tomorrow (which would seem like a must) however... Tomorrow I have a performance in my Voice/Speech class that I can not miss... then movement class. To make matters worse got called into the "principal's office" today (My Acting teacher) saying that I was doing well, however... I can't miss anymore of my other classes. "DO NOT MISS ANYMORE" I don't want to give up training, when I'm learning so much and can see and feel improvement, especially for health but if I neglect my gift (My eldest brother gave me his kidney) the amount of guilt well be beyond anything that I could handle.... and to top tomorrow off I go straight from class to work... I agreed to cover someones shift and prior to that I've given away a # of shifts to make it look like I make less money for insurance purposes.... so needless to say, I need the money.

The Bigger Picture... (a couple hours later)
First, let me start by saying... It took a while for me to figure out what I wanted to take away from this life lesson because my head was clouded with negative thoughts... but I believe (besides the obvious of prioritizing and growing up) is that when you are dealing with stressful events, things that hurt you or things that frighten you... sometimes you don't have the luxury of taking a "time out" from your life... you have to "put on a face" and get through the day. Your responsibilities don't go away... they are still there when you come up from that pillow...

I've been saying I was going to deal with the tough stuff this year and face my fears (and I thought I had which has had me feeling pretty damn good)... but then this came about and I guess God is putting them all in the same month, because Lord knows my health scares the shit out of me... and now I have no choice but to deal with it. I think the real big picture here is not allowing the hurt and pain and fear to cause you to shut down... and block the world out, that even through the tough times decisions must be made, responsibilities must be taken care of and that life goes on...

My Shameful Habit...

My Shameful habit
Oh those dirty habits I picked up in my college years SMH... I'm talking about "Half-Assing" it. Many people go to college for many different reasons sidebar (LOL@ my college days...How I loved those days). I can remember times that I would have partied the week away knowing I would have 10-20 page papers due... and be 100% stressfree living life up until about 24 hours prior to the class... tha'ts when I would buckle down head to a 24 hour diner (Majestic over on Ponce) order the chicken fingers and like 20 coffees til I got it done! (Of course I always got it done).

Now by no means did I get an A+ nor an A- for that matter but I'd at least get what I needed to pass with slightly above average grades... and this was "A-Okay" by me :) However... fast forward some years and I look back at how easy it would have been to get in A's in college... and that be by giving more then 50% of what I can do... If I can get C's and B's off some bullshit, imagine what I could've done with a little more effort.

The Excuses
My problem (well one of them) in college, I was living in a city filled with fun distractions... and I was a kid HA! Now, I'm in another city filled with even more distractions (not all fun though) and I'm still "Half- Assing" shit, because well, however this is going to sound... I'm so good at it and can get by... I've been doing it for so long that it's become a habit. I can blame it on my schedule, but like I said the other day, there really are ways to fit more in during my day. I just need to multi-task better and manage my time better. And, if I can't fit in the time to bring 100% to the table especially in terms of my acting training then I need to reduce my load.

The Story
I was at Esper the other day during my break talking to one of my buddy's comparing our blocks in classes (kinda of like writers block, but in terms of acting) and trying to diagnose potential reasons for the blocks... I know the technique we are learning is a process in it's self, so it takes time to sink in... but the leg work I do outside of the classroom is/ or can be the meat of my process. As we were talking I mentioned that I believed the cause to be my "shameful college habit." This got me thinking that if I continue with this behavior not only am I doing my acting craft a dis-service, I am wasting time, and money and my quality of life is even less because I'm giving the bare minimum... and what makes me think that when the time comes to give 100% say during an audition that I'm going to magically be able to bring my "A" game when I've only been working with my "C" game (wishful thinking... another blog).

The Lesson
I've been out of college for about 5 years now, and have not once been asked what my grade point average was... nor have I used half (maybe even more) of the information taught in school. However, what I have learned, the habits you pick up during school, you tend to carry with you when you are out of school... My brother, who has always been more disciplined and organized with his studies, brings 100% effort into all that he does, work, family, studies, church, finances... the whole shebang. Now yes, he is a smart guy, but he pick his habits of time management, multi-tasking, prioritizing, and will power at a pretty young age and developed strong skills to be a very responsible adult. I definitely look up to the guy for this and wished I wasn't always so aloof at times, but I'm learning...

The Bigger Picture
The quality of life... how can I give only 50% and expect 100% growth in return. I talk a lot about who and what kind of woman I want to eventually grow to become. Because of my career path, I also do a lot of self assessments so I'm tend to be aware of what's going on in my world and where there is room for improvements. I once heard life is like a spiral cord going up, because you tend to deal with the same issues (in one shape or another) over and over but the way you process these issues changes because you are dealing with them from a more developed mind set (hopefully). But you do have to aid your development skills. A good friend once told me "you can't do the same thing, and expect different results." And I also heard that it takes 21 days to create or break a habit... so here goes (I don't even know what # goal this is for me thus far) but none-the-less, here goes to putting my college habits to rest and increasing the quality of my life! Cheers *smiles*

Time is Money...

The Story
When I think of having a day off, I think about a guiltless day of lounging in pj's, catching up on the show's I've DVR'd, stuffing my face with goodies (I know, I know... no goodies for 40). Or I think about meeting friends for lunch and taking in a show or wandering around the City like I'm a tourist and see where the day takes me... but this is not what "day's off" look like anymore. "Day's Off" are filled with pedestrian life "to-do's." Laundry, Appointments, Cleaning, Grocery Shopping etc. Or in my case... running to the paint shop to get free packing boxes, start packing up for my move, making needed phone calls, last minute casting (which is why I didn't get to the laundry) and then to a networking seminar with Ingrid French (Manager) in hopes to get representation. As I left the meeting at 9:00pm exhausted from running around all day and thinking about the number of things I still need to do on my next "day off" I got to thinking about my time management skills and whether I am using my time wisely... As I've noted in other writings, my schedule is pretty packed, but is it really that packed where I can't squeeze in a load here in there or make a call during my break vs. playing on Facebook or gossiping?... Am I just making excuses for not doing (what I call) pedestrian "chores"? I think this is the case. So to add to my list of things to change to be a better person... Time management goes on that list.

Another goal
I've talked to friends about how time seems to fly by the older we get... we also compare each others want's and to-do list and when you throw time (or the lack of) into that equation, stressful thoughts seem to come to mind. Where do the hours in a day go (I also find myself asking the same question about the dollar$ in my bank account... but that's another blog) back to the time element... In New York City, a lot of time is dedicated to traveling... plus working and eating, and then the rest of life happens between and during those hours..So if I can some how plot out my days to multi-task and prioritize my day by fitting in a "chore" here and there... then maybe, just maybe my next "day off" will actually be a "day off"... I'll keep you posted.

Bigger Picture
Its easy to measure where your money goes... but your time on the other hand can sometimes slip away from you without a blink of an eye. If the saying time is money is correct, then knowing how you spend your time is as important as how you spend you money... my advice, take inventory of your day and see if you are taking mini "day's off" everyday...

Point me in the direction of a gym please...

40 Day Countdown... the pressure is on

The goal... get in shape for a photo-shoot in 40 days. I hate that I have to say this again, (I feel like it was my 2006 New Years saying) but "gotta get my 6 pack back!" Too much Holiday FOOD :(

The Story

Anyone who really knows me, knows that my sweet tooth rivals that of cookie monster from Sesame Street... Actually I'd probably take his title truth be told. I don't have the strongest taste buds for seasoned "real" food (nor the skills to cook it), but give me those rich chocolate delectable tortes, cheesecakes, pastries, etc. and I'm good! Those who have lived in Atlanta should know about Cafe Intermezzo's... also known as one of my favorite restaurants because of all the desserts yum! "I'll take a slice of the Fruita de bosco and a white chocolate mocha please." =)

So, needless to say... I'm still on my holiday diet (eating pretty much any and everything that looks good) and thus have put on a pound or two... or 7 to be exact LOL. This hasn't really bothered me... until RING RING RING, my best friend, who is also in the biz (we act like each others managers/agents, support team... and therapist at times). Well she did her part tonight by holding me accountable to staying on task. Love her and hate her for it... One of those tasks is to follow through with a photographer that is suppose to shoot us... We have the opportunity to shoot with a really good photographer, and we both need more shots (especially full body shots). Now I've put off shooting for a number of reasons... and now, I absolutely need new shots because of chopping all my hair off, but when my best friend contacted me about the matter, I was resistant (gave her a little bit of a tude at that) because I wasn't ready to give up my yummie diet or get my Kanye 1, 2 step on for that matter. So after I threw my minor tantrum, I realized she was right. I contacted the photographer to set the date. So I got 4o days!!!

The pressure is on... To some this is ample time to get fit. To that I say, we have not met yet and you do not understand my relationship with sweets! It's my kryptonite, especially STARBUCKS, and they are everywhere in the city. Sigh! I know, I'm making excuses, so enough with the whining. This is like getting ready for pre-lent! So as I polish off this slice of pumpkin cheesecake, and slip down my mocha latte' I am making a promise to myself to layoff the sweets and get my ass to the gym and be in kick ass shape for the shoot in 40 days! (Starting Tomorrow, of course)

The Bigger Picture

Will Power... you get it.

Let's Go... Let's Go... LET's GO ALREADY!!!!!

The Diagnoses
I have patience issues... and that would be in all areas of my life. I laugh as I write it, but I'm realizing this is starting to become a big problem... in life and my acting. I am attempting to rush my life!

The Story
I used to have to be the last of my friends to get dressed to go out because if I was ready first all you'd hear would be "Let's go Lets go Lets go"... (My friends had to have a talk with me to settle down). I want so much, and I want it all NOW. I want all my talent NOW, I want my prime-time television contract NOW, I want my national commercial NOW, I want my Husband NOW.. .Seriously I'm trying (and failing miserably at it, might I add) to rush everything, like in class with my emotional preparation. You are suppose to walk in at 100% emotionally full of life based off of an imaginary circumstance... I was at about 68% RUSHED! I did this with the last man I was interested in... "Oh great first date, yep he's the one" (okay it wasn't that bad, but I was definitely trying to rush that into a "love story" yep failed) I even tried to rush this blog... Embarrassing but true, during my two hour break between class and work I went to the "office" for lunch, class review and blogging... but nothing was coming to me. NOTHING! 2 hours of writing and erasing over and over because I wanted to write something profound and deep and bullshit kept popping into my head because I was pushing myself to do so. It wasn't until I gave up, left the coffee shop and headed to work did I have this realization that I'm rushing my life.

The Side Effects
Taking life for granted. Life is built up, from moment to moment. In class we are training our bodies to be more sensitive and be able to read the subtext of moments and live truthfully through them. Well, unfortunately as it is becoming very clear to me... instead of experiencing my life as it comes to me, and enjoying the process of life in general, I'm trying to rush these moments. SMH

The Treatment
I went to church yesterday and the service talked about letting go of control and putting your faith in God, trusting he knows what's best and will get you where you need/want to be, and to entertain the thought that he(God) knows ways to get you there that you may have never even thought of... Hmmm, Well I can totally get that, so of course I left the service that day feeling an all time high thinking "great, I'm good... the Big Man's got me... Life is good!" and yet 24 hours later I'm trying to control and push and rush results!?!! What the ....?

Well, like any addiction, they say the first step is admitting the problem... "I am impatient and I'm trying to rush my life, thus taking it for granted".... Seeing that I've never actually gone through a 12 step program, I don't know what the official next step is... but I think it starts with putting the Big Man (God) first and having faith in him... well this is going to be my step at least...

Giving into the Moment...

The Story
"Give into the moment...." this expression was used repetitively today in class. So as I sit here at work I think about what that means in terms of acting and life in general and why I at times this is difficult for me to do.

We had a cheer in high school that went "Power up... you never Give up and never give in." Clearly this chant was for competitive sport games... but the idea tends to transfer to my every day thinking that if you give up or give in... you are weak... you lost, Game over. So the idea of giving up or giving in to anything, fucks with my head quite frankly. Especially if the moment is painful, or consumed with unpleasant feelings. However, in relation to acting, giving in to the moment is not looked at as weak, or a loss... It's your strength. It's your freedom. It makes you a present actor...which are the best kind of actors, the type that make people flock to the stage to watch your work. It's breathtaking.

I can not count the number of times that I've been overly pissed off (and rightly so), but held my tongue. Or how many times I've been hurt but would not give into the tears. I'd paint my face as if I didn't have a care in the world... and all the while, throughout my body I can feel my blood boiling... my chest tightens. I've done this so much that even those times when I did want to scream out at the top of my lungs what I'm feeling, I was mute. I felt stuck and all that energy stayed right in my chest... "I" become frozen, and I let my "representative" live out the next few moments of life. My representative knows how to deal with these unpleasant moments very well...she avoids them, or intentionally deflects the moment's truthful impact for fear of being judged or looking weak.

I've heard since I was young... "don't where your heart on your sleeve," " keep your head up," "Never let them see you sweat," "always keep em' guessing" and so on. Thus at some point in life I must have created a "representative" of myself to take on these moments as a way of protection? or a way to fit in? or because it's what's political correct. But here I am at Esper studios and every class is like taking a jack hammer to that representative I've created. I think that is the goal first year, is to break "it" down so all I have left is me in my rawest most vulnerable state, and when I get there... I can then be able to work from a grounded non- superficial state of mind, non- surface level being. I can become the beautiful fearless actress I'm striving so hard to be.

The Bigger Picture
During the course of Life, at some point you're bound to build walls and live from those structures. Hell, now of days we build "pages" on Facebook and what have you. We've built these "representations" of ourselves for numerous reasons (good and bad) and use them as means to communicate... yet at times are surprised (or disappointed) when what we see... or read (or created) is not what we get. Or we wake up one day and not know how to process what we are feeling, because we've had our representative doing it for a long time. No wonder there are so many interpretations of what being "real" or "truthful" means anymore. Acting, and the particular training method I've chosen is forcing me to break my representative down... at least in terms of acting. This is stressful, and painful and freeing all in the same line. I think the bigger picture of "giving into the moment" is letting go of control... The process continues.

Working Smarter vs Working Harder...

The Story

Things are shaping up a little more since my last entry... in terms of life outside of acting, I think I've found "the one"... My apartment, that is. In terms of acting, I've reunited with a group of women who are also in pursuit of pounding the pavement. We've decided to hold meet ups twice a month to share our victories, advice, information, and support. We are going to give each other homework in terms of networking and things we need to do to further our careers.

One of the topics of the night that struck a cord with me was working smarter vs. working harder... As an actress you almost have to be split in terms of being the artist and being the business woman (or man)... and often these two sides conflict (no wonder people say you gotta be a little crazy to do this... you have to be wired a little different to deal with all your inner monologues). Maybe it's the artist in me that's attracted to the struggle and chaos of life. I know the artist side of me is craving training and wants to get to a deeper understand of my craft and become more and more open and present. The artist in me doesn't care about the money or the fame but only getting to the root of the stories in the world that have depth and inspire change or awareness to Ideas. But the business woman in me wants to work smarter and figure out what is really necessary to do, to have this be a lucrative career... From the artist point of view, unfortunately, this business is more "who you know, vs. what you know." You could have all the talent in the world but if the right people don't know you then you're stuck...

Conflicting Thoughts...

With all that being said, what's been on my mind a lot lately is how to balance these two sides of my brain along with life outside of my acting career. If I keep my schedule as is, my days are stacked with school and work, with very little time to actually put 100% into either of the two at that. I'm running from one to the next getting home in time to sleep and do it all again the next day. I know when in pursuit, sacrifices need to be made, but the older I get, deciding what I want to sacrifice is changing. I want to enjoy my life, and as one of the women in the group said last night, " I want to enjoy the process" (in terms of acting pursuit). On top of that I damn sure don't want to be struggling with money, and my "day job" is not the most profitable in terms of money, and there is not much room for another job with my schedule. Sooo choices, choices, choices... Do i make the hard choice and grind out? or do I make the "smart" choice reduce my schedule to make more money, network more and audition more?

The Bigger Picture

Working Smarter vs Working harder... and the balancing act between the two. This career is full of forks in the road that can lead you in crazy directions, but nothing is guaranteeing that one way is better then the other, or even that either road will take you to where you want to go. You are making a gamble with all choices... but a friend once said, when YOU make that choice... commit and go hard at it, make the best of it... if it's not what you wanted... you can either back track or take inventory of it and keep it moving til the next fork comes, and take what you've learned from the road you've trail thus far and at least make an educated gamble LOL, if that even makes sense...

My Juggling Act... not so good right now

The Story
My schedule today was suppose to be 9am view an Apartment, Noon -4pm classes (voice/speech and movement) and 4:30pm to 10:30pm work. Well I skipped classes (not good at all) and headed to the coffee shop to check out another apartment and set up appointments for tomorrow and then took care of some of my medical nuances. Although my time was used toward things that needed to be taken care of... I chose to sacrifice certain things, this time it was my training.. my career steps took a blow today.

For whatever reason, falling back into "life" from my very long carefree vacation has been difficult. It's like one day I'm here and the next day my mind can't stop thinking where my Happily ever life is? Where my husband is? Where is my national commercial? Where my primetime series contract is? Where's my LIGHT!? SHIT!!! lol, sorry... I'm getting beside myself. When I get worked up like this it tends to last for a few days and then it'll pass and everything settles... but once again, my problem is my brain mentally knows what I should be doing, yet I don't do it, whether it be because I'm tired, or I have no will power... or I'm having a "bad" day... whatever... but I feel like my brain is having an argument with myself screaming "MIMI PULL IT TOGETHER" and the other voice is saying "calm down, take a break you need it, stop beating yourself up" now maybe both are right, but regardless, I'm not enrolled in a program where you can just miss days because your head is just somewhere else.... hell I'm not in an industry where I can have "off days" for that matter. What am I doing? ...

I want "it all" so-to-speak. I want my career, I want my family, my husband... the list is long. I want a lot of things... and I'm trying to juggle a lot of things... and I'm just not where I want to be yet...

The Bigger Picture
I think the Bigger Picture here is handling pressure, change, stress etc. An actors life can be all over the place literally. How do I expect to be able to handle my life when my career has taken off, and I need to be over sea for 3months or a show moves to LA. How do I plan to be able to memorize lines for 3 different projects I'm working on, as well as prepare materiel for upcoming auditions, still network with casting directors and producers and industry people all the while maintaining a healthy balance life outside of acting, being there for my friends, maintaining strong relationships, staying connected with family... Deep Breath, I think I should treat these moments as practice for when life really gets out of control... I haven't been doing a good job of juggling... I've been being a bit dramatic about the whole thing... I think I need to listen to both voices, Calm down and Pull it together, pick up those damn balls you dropped and start juggling.

The Balancing Act

The Layout

The day started bright and early (okay not so early, more like 11ish) at the "office" looking for apartments to go check out... there were two potentials and both are a no go. This took from 11-4ish, very very time consuming! So from there I had a last minute go-see (print audition) for Regis... I am so crossing my fingers on this! I'd been to this casting house before it's called Lafayette House and it reminds you of Victorian styled bed a breakfast! Very Cozy and comfy, not to mention they remembered me from a casting I went to in the summer time and Raved about my "new look." Still with all the positive feedback you just never know what they want. From Apartment Hunting, to go-see's to networking! That's right the day didn't stop after the casting, my job (which is auditioning and networking) continued...

The Meeting

I met with Micheal Raymen, and agent at Don Buchwald and Associates (DBA). One of the top 5 commercial agents. As normal, got some good praises... and some critics. Lets go with the good stuff first. My copy (commercial script) was good, I had tons of great energy, and he enjoyed watching me! He said I was "entertaining and adorable"...score! Now with all that you'd think he'd wanna sign me... well only time will tell, but he did give me critics on the not so good parts... He said although the energy was high and great, it was a little all over the place and needs to be focused a little more. Note taken Mr. Raymen!

The Skinny on Micheal and DBA

From the Q/A portion, Micheal seems to know his job very well... he has been doing it for over 25 years. His memory is unbelievable (this means he's really good at his job) Below are some interesting facts...

1) They worked with signed clients only... meaning Commitment! Only DBA can send you out on Commercial Auditions.... they do not freelance. There are pro's and con's to signing and freelancing (there are many books about it) like whether to sign or not, when to sign etc. When you first start out, I would freelance to get a feel for the industry and who you like but when DBA wants to sign you... SIGN (if you have a decent to strong resume, that is)

2) They only send you out for union jobs! This can be a tricky situation especially for those just getting into the business or actors whose resumes aren't strong. (Strong resumes will typically have student or Indie films and reputable theatre on it, TV co-star and guest star roles, as well as reputable acting training on it) Once you join SAG you can't do non-union work... (I say this lightly, because there are ways you can do non-union jobs, and still be a SAG member but that's another whole blog) but normally speaking, you can not do non-union work when you join the union.

Why this is a tricky situation... Lets say you do book a SAG commercial and have to join SAG, but your resume is weak for Legit work (non- commercial jobs). Based on your weak resume, you probably won't be considered for the big resume building jobs because you appear not to be "ready" you have nothing on your resume that shows you can carry a Broadway show or no reel that show you act. However, because you are in the SAG Union, you can't do the non-union jobs that will give you more experience and build your resume because it conflicts with your union laws. Like I said... if your resume isn't the strongest yet, deciding to sign with a Agencies that only sends you out on Union jobs might not be the best place to start.

The Bigger Picture

As each day is passing in the New Year, I am getting back on track with pulling my life into alignment. There are many different areas that shape your complete life and it cannot be all work and no play... well at least it can't be for me. I need all areas of my life to be on point or at least headed in that direction. Today was a balancing act with personal life, my "audition life" also known as acting career and networking life. Tomorrow is filled with classes starting back, first day back on the "day job"...what I do for eats and keeps... and ending it off with another networking meet and greet seminar. The point is, as an Actor, BALANCE is at an all time high... you gotta be organized to handle your personal life outside of acting, and not let it effect or drain you professional life... as well as deal and be flexible with the high demands of this random world of show business. It's not easy, but the more you do it, the better you are at juggling the balls and if one happens to fall you're able to continue with the rest that haven't.

Back in Business

The Intro

A couple blogs ago I wrote about my plan of attack... a line up of meetings with Agents and Casting Directors to kick off the New Year with a bang. And the other day I've talked about doing the hard stuff/ facing my fears... Well tonight's meeting brought another opportunity to do just that.

The Story

I meet with Erica Palgon. She has been in casting for over 15 years and recently started her own casting office. When you sign up to do a seminar (a networking type meet/greet and showcase your work) there will be a breakdown of what you can showcase... it will be a commercial copy, a monologue or cold sides... For Erica, the breakdown said you could chose between a commercial or a comedic monologue. Seeing that this is my month to go hard at the commercial world, not to mention I haven't worked on my monologue in over 3-4 months, truth be told I don't even have it memorized well either.... so after the first person went... The Host informed all of us that Erica was only going to see monologues, she didn't care if they weren't "worked on" because of the confusion, but she can get a better idea of who we are based on a monologue vs commercial copy... I'm faced with a choice... do my monologue and get feedback on where I'm at right now... or leave. I chose the option that made my heart beat a little faster. I choose to do the monologue and get some feed back... and I did pretty good too, considering. More so I learned where I was at now... and the work I need to do.

Information from the Event

Erica definitely has great energy! She's all about motivating actors... she actually has a consulting company she built off of her work in casting over the years. She loves finding "un-tapped" talent... it gives her a kick.... that being said If your resume isn't the strongest she's one to meet! Plus she loves her job.

Ready or Not???

The Story

Hide and Go Seek was one of my favorite childhood games. But as the New Year has begun, and inventory has been taking and goals have been set... why am I still playing this game? Why am I still finding the best way to hide... myself that is...

The other night I wrote about how fear got the best of me... As I sit at my favorite coffee spot with my two best friends as we plot out our moves to "take over" I am reminded of how much stronger I feel when I'm surround by people who love me... surrounded by Family. Standing up to my fears is not as hard when I have hands to hold, a shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen... I read Sidney Poitier's Life Beyond Measure, about year ago before I'd move back to New York and he spoke about fear... and how so many people let their fears shape their life. "I'm scared to do A, so I do B" and the pattern continues and there you have a life built on fear. He said something about how he walked the line between life and death... Not that I want to be that daring just yet, but maybe like the game goes... ready or not? 2010 is no doubt is going to bring many changes to my life that I don't know if I'm ready for... But regardless it's time to come out of hiding, show my hand, face my fears and keep it moving... It's time to hang up my childhood game and at least take some steps closer to that line that Sidney Poitier so boldly walked.

Sleepless in the City...

The Story

I didn't sleep much last night... at all really. I spent the night tossing and turning feeling hot then cold. My chest was tight with anxiety, I was unable to hold the little tears from coming down my face. I started my New Year off just how I wanted surrounded with my dear friends laughing the night away, so why has this dark cloud that I thought I left in 09 found me so soon. I am referring to my fears. They got the best of my last night... I feel like this is the year that matters. This is a year of pressure to succeed, to get 100% healthy, to become an adult. This has to be the year to go big or go home (literally). I can't afford to have many more nights like that. I need to found my grounding and stand tall and face the fears... as a friend said, this is the year to do the hard things...

Ignorance is Bliss... but Knowledge is Power

The Scoop

Wether you make New Years Resolutions or not, the start of a New Year tends to be a good time to take inventory of your wants, goals and accomplishments... A BIG want for myself, (besides the obvious of career goals and of course falling in love getting married having adorable little babies HA!) is to not be such an Ignorant Person!!!! I don't know if I've touched on my many areas of ignorance as an adult yet, but this is that time to put them out there in hopes to hold myself accountable in gaining knowledge this year. The three main areas, and the mini stories that go with them... As well as how they tie into my acting career.

POLITICS, FINANCES, MEDICAL INSURANCE

1) Politics

When Obama was elected, that was my first time actually voting in a presidential race (I know SMH- so disappointing seeing that I'm 28 and not 18). What's even worse, I didn't exactly know why I was voting for him other then for superficial reason and going along with what more educated people in my life believed (which isn't a bad idea...) But it still bugged the hell out of me that I didn't know what each candidate's policies were or what they saw for the future. After the victory, I did read one of his books and felt better about my voting decision. However after I read the book my other areas of life took over and my wants of becoming political aware fell to the wayside. Today, I still have no clue as to what is going on in the world of politics (or the world for that matter), other then the school systems are losing money, more and more people are out of jobs and there are many debates over Health Care. I know in this day and age information is a click away, so there really are no excuses for me not to be informed.

My Goal for Politics: Read the paper daily, and check out the BBC news stories at least 5 days week.

How it effects ACTING: Because of the economy, Guest Star/ and Co-Star Roles that are typically filled with no named actors are being given to A and B list actors. More and More Commercials are becoming non- union. Daytime and Prime-time series are keeping actors at a "recurring" status vs Contract role status in order to pay them less. More and more shows are filming in Out of the United States and shows are being cancelled.

2) Finances

Why oh why did I not major in business!!! I was a communication Major at college, Minor in Theatre. At one point I wanted to be a speech writer. Looking back now, I wish I would have majored in business and minored in Finance because no matter what you do when you get out of school, Business is involved. And money makes the world go round so having a solid knowledge of it wouldn't have been a bad idea for me. My ignorance with money is that I don't know what I should know (Oh that sounds bad). Words like CD's and High yield Savings and investments strategies, and stock, or what's my net worth? WHAT??? HUH?? I don't get it? all of that reads like german to me. Luckily for me, my parents were pretty firm when I went to college not to get a credit card, so the one thing I "think" I have going for me is a decent credit score.

My Goal for Finances: I heard that the book Young, Fabulous and Broke is a good start...

How it effects Acting: You are your business, and think of it like you are getting a Doctorates, IT's EXPENSIVE!

3) Medical Insurance (UGH)

When it comes to medical insurance, my ignorance, is at an all time high. I don't often talk about my health... nor do I plan to now other then saying point blank, I need health insurance. I've been blessed to be covered on a Cobra plan via my Dad for the last 3 years, but as of January 1st that expired. My "day job" doesn't offer it. As far as Acting, I haven't become a part of SAG(Screen Actors Guild) yet, let alone reached the # of required work days on SAG projects that would make me eligible for their insurance policies. I went to apply for an individual plan at Blue Cross/Blue Shield and what they offer is pathetic. They allow 2 doctor "office" visits a year and after that you come out of pocket. Prescription coverage only up to $2000 dollars??? Some of my Meds alone cost up to $5000 dollars. As for Medicaid... I have to make less then 700 dollars a month before taxes to be consider... WTF!

I had to take a deep breath, I don't want to pass all my negative energy to others.

Thankfully, I have very educated and supportive parents when it comes to health insurance, so I know I will be okay, but what about all of my fellow aspiring actors and low income friends that jobs don't offer medical insurance and may not have supportive parents as I do? What do they do? or What can they do? I know this ties back to becoming political aware of what's going on with Health Care Policies.

My Goals for Medical Insurance: Read more about the current Health Care Plans that are out there for all levels of income.

How it effects Actors: Have you heard the saying "starving artist" Most beginner Actors have to find "gig" type jobs to get by, which don't offer Medical Insurance Plans. Actors must maintain a healthy lifestyle because we are the product. If we are working a low budget or student film and get hurt or sick, we are faced with do I spend money on a Doctors Bill or do I pay rent? Definitely not fare! but as my Dad loves to point out... who ever said life was. Still be aware as an Actor going the extra mile to say healthy is a smart move!

The Bigger Picture

Ignorance is Bliss, but Knowledge is Power... so true. Would I rather be living in a Fantasy world of bliss, or would I rather have power to make a difference in my world. Not saying one is better then the other, there are day's I definitely want my fantasy world... but more often I want the real. I want to matter or be of relevance in this world as a friend tends to say and strive for. To do that, I need to aware, I need knowledge in many different areas of life. These are my top three for this year. Lets see what I can learn...