Something a Little Different...

My Thought for the day...

I'm tired of holding on to an idea of what I thought life... "my life" should look like based on how I was told it should look... I don't know if it protects me or traps me, but right now it's confusing me... For all that I've been through thus far, why am I still scared of the unknown, or why am I scared to use my voice at times, and step out this image of what others tell me I am (Sometimes I want to scream... You don't really see me)... I feel like I should be able to face all my fears, yet I still find myself hiding... hiding and/or holding on to a person I no longer am...

Which makes me wonder what am I doing pursuing acting? You have to be courageous to do this... you have to, with all your fears step up to the plate and be willing to have people attack you... Not the character that your playing, not the play, but you... your art. You have to be daring and not afraid to walk that line between sane and insane, life and death (like Sidney Poitier said In Life Beyond Measure)... and as I sit at my desk thinking about all I did to get back to this city to pursue my dreams of acting, I'm still playing it safe... How is this possible? In church today, the minster talked about half ass commitments, and how a lot of times people make half-ass commitments to live their life. I feel like I'm doing that by not really wanting to "go down the rabbit" hole so to speak BUT also not really wanting the midwestern lifestyle that I was raised to value... I feel stuck somewhere between the two very different worlds, and I can't commit to either one yet...

There's no conclusion to this thought yet, but maybe right now there doesn't need to be, it's figuring itself out and I'll go for the ride, and If I'm at a stand still I'll just take in the view...

Uneideted... Literally

Thoughts running overtime....

I sit here at my desk on a Friday night consumed with thoughts. I am suppose to be preparing for a birthday party, but all I can think about is acting… my scene for acting class; my character for movement class and my speech for voice class. During the train ride home I was reading over a part in my scene and I knew cerebrally that I “should” feel something, I should have an opinion about what was going on, but I just sat on the train thinking… thinking…thinking, then I tried to feel, feel, feel and NOTHING. It was a vague emptiness that I felt, which is horrible for an actor. Where is my opinion, my point of view? Then a scary sensation came over me… maybe I couldn’t figure out my point of view about the situation in the scene because I didn’t care. I felt nothing. I kept trying to plug in “as if” but I was blocked nothing came and then I sat there trying to force myself to feel what I “think” I should feel and that just felt fake. It’s weird that when I’m in class hearing my teachers speak about life in the way they do, it is so deep with passion, I’m inspired to do something... I’m inspired to push myself harder... I'm literally bubbling with this creative energy when they speak. They “light the match” so-to-speak. I can't help but wander why can't I do that with my imagination? Movies, the theatre, music, speeches, books can also move me and inspire me to want to do more, be more and not take life for granted. This might be there very reason I wanted to act in the first place is the ability to inspire through stories. Yet when I am working on this scene (and my speech for that matter) I feel robotic, I feel like I am just saying the words “correctly” and not letting the passionate energy push the words out. I can't just feel a slight ripple of energy about life as an actor, I have to allow life to “land” on me…. I have to feel not a ripple but an explosion that tears my heart open so then I SPEAK the line! The words are result of feelings, otherwise why are we talking?

How do you really feel?

The Story

Monday mornings are back! and I'm loving it. Today was the official start week for all classes at Esper Studios, thus meaning the first day of "refresher" Meisner exercises began. I felt like I was on the edge of my seat the entire class taking in what my fellow classmates were bringing to the table. I was eating up my teachers' comments and notes and jotting down the important/or inspired "thoughts" throughout class... and of course waiting in anticipation for my turn to come up next.... which wouldn't be until the end of class, but none-the-less, it came and it felt good. I got praises from other classmates (which is always nice, and great for the ego, but I have to remind myself that my art can not be validated by others, but only myself)... lol, anyways,

What was nice afterwards, I was able to feel what worked and what I needed to work on more without anyone telling me... I was mentally going over the work in my head and questioning why this or that did or didn't happen and when there was a discount btw my partner and I why that might have been going on etc. In this particular situation, I believe the layering element was not stronger enough for me. Which, of course sent my thoughts into overdrive.

The Thoughts

In life, we know that there are many different layers driving us, "so-to-speak" to make certain choices, and actions everyday. Often times we deal with people on a very surface level, putting up walls and showing people only what we want them to see. We maintain connections through, what I call "basic chatter." However, durning this basic chattered that goes on day to day, our various layers that make up our lives can poke through conversations at any given point when sparked, kind of like voicing our opinions. Well, in life those layers are naturally there based on the experiences we've lived through. When doing the Meisner technique exercises, you have to create them, and thus know exactly what each person, relationship, and situation etc means to you. So when the spark comes, you are reacting from a deeper level of understanding, verses just acting on what the idea of it may mean. You have to know how you really feel about any and everything. So Although I knew exactly how I felt about my activity in the scene, I didn't fully commit to how I felt about who my partner was in the scene, but only allowed myself to feel the idea of it.

The Bigger Picture

How do you really feel? And at what level/layer are you expressing it? I think because there are so many layers to each and everyone of us, and we typically don't walk around earth dealing with people on our most intimate levels. When behavior sparks us deeper then surface we sometimes don't know how to re-act because we haven't really dealt with the issue at it's core. And/or we don't know how we really feel about it. Other times, we've just reacted from such a surface level stance so much by not dealing with it, we just blow it off with a "whatever." We won't let ourselves even entertain the idea that we are vulnerable people. I often have to remind myself that being vulnerable is not a weakness, especially in this world were it can be seen like a plague. Overall when dealing with our own layers and others, I think taking a deeper look at what is at the core and dealing with it at that level can only enrich our lives, interactions and relationships with each others and ourselves.

Months in Review

The Breakdown

Well, last post left off with me "getting out there" Hmmmmmmm, I can't say that's exactly what I've been doing these past couple of months... well at least in terms of acting. I had this great blueprint plan mapped out that consisted of 1) getting test shots, 2) taking classes, 3) traveling and just exploring the art of life so to speak 4) Building a reel 5) Building a website 6) Doing student films (any films actually) 7) Audition, Audition Audition and 8) Book, Book BOOK!

Well, none of that happened. What happened is I got a great job that will take the "starving" out of the "staving artist" lifestyle I've been living. However, with my last year at Esper Studios approaching (next week) and Summer coming to an end, my mind and body natural start to put things back in order of importance. And even with this great job that I could turn into a career, my heart can't wait to get back to the craft of acting. But what is becoming ever so clear is that I have no idea what is about to happen in life... I never saw this job coming and yet, it's turned my life around.

The conversation my friends and I have had about the changes that occured this summer pretty much can be summed up as grind mode. And now, benefits are starting to show up. (THANK GOODNESS!) So with the end of summer apporaching and the beinging of a new season on the rise, I'm back in Blog writing mode, to document the continuation of my process of becoming a successful SKILLED actress. Stay tuned...

To Tweet or Not To Tweet....

The Story
I really need to step my whole internet... Web... networking, etc game up! I was talking with one of my friends who is all about internet communications, web-pages, you tube this, twitter, Linkedin, Facebook or what have you. He thought I was way behind and said "You need Twitter, Facebook is about to be out" in which I gave him the look like "shut up I don't need twitter, I barely update FB, and I really don't need to be hip and trendy with internet communication... do I?"

The Thought
So then I started thinking how my friends who have all of those internet functions use them, is it for business or fun or a little bit of both. Industry people (famous ones) typically get paid to tweet bc they are promoting their where abouts... so I'm told. Well I don't flatter myself that at this point in my life anyone needs or wants to know where I am... I have other friends that use their web stuff as a way to promote themselves or a product or a social event. So it's Marketing. Hmmm, The minute I took the kicks and giggles element out of the web stuff, and let go of the notion web socializing is about self indulging and being nosy I decided that this new media is a part of the industry I need to learn how to get involved with it. So here's to setting up a web-page with my photos, reel and weekly buzz etc... and maybe even a career based twitter depending if someone is going to pay me to tweet my where abouts J/K. Like I said right now people may not care "where" I am, but there are film makers, writers, producers and directors that need to know "who" I am... and what I'm doing, and Twitter my be the place where I can get information out there fast and to the masses...

The Bigger Picture
Get out there!

Go With the Flow...

The Story

My school year is coming to an end. Today was the unofficial last day of acting classes at Esper Studios. This was the last day of exercises and scenes, and there was definitely the want/ desire to kick ass and 'prove myself' so-to-speak. I know that I am finishing this year with more confidence in not just my acting, but in who I am. I have stronger point of views about the life around me, I have a stronger zest to go after what I want in life. I am more open to the world. I try to judge less and aim to understand more. I appreciate the journey I've been on at Esper for opening me up more. I'm allowing myself to be more vulnerable to experience the wide ranges of emotions that life can trigger without trying to dismiss them or block myself from feeling them especially those that are not in my comfort zone.

The Thought

I've been thinking a lot about personal growth and the future. I've thought about the events that have occurred in my life that have impacted my core and changed me. When things start to come to an end, I tend to get emotional, and have a hard time letting go. I hold on to what I know for fear of the unknown. On top of my classes ending, my birthday just past and this will be the year ending my twenties. I can't help but want to put the same pressure on this year as I did during my last class in acting. There is an inner desire to kick ass this year... to 'prove myself' but as sit with these thoughts, I think I have it wrong. Just like in class, being okay with feeling vulnerable and just going with the flow verses forcing emotions or controlling the movement of a scene etc is when you are living moments to the fullest and not taking anything for granted. It's the ride that is the rush or the "fun" part. So I hope to apply the same theory in my everyday life. I hope to be okay with the unknown of the future and stop trying to control or force my life to look a certain way in order to prove to myself or anyone else that I am relevant or I am an actress or I am worthy or whatever else we try to prove to other people, but instead have a plan (objective) go for the objective (do the doing) and see what happens...

The Bigger Picture
The events that have changed the core of who I am today were not foreseen, planned or prepared for... they just happened and life continued to go on, but my original plan needed adjusting, and some plans I needed to just let go of and new ones were developed. So even though mentally I know I can't control the future, there is that inner voice always trying to convince me that I can... that I need to do A, B and C to be "happy" or what have you... and the pressure of wanting to 'prove' yourself can lead to stress or this compulsive behavior of forcing things to happen the way you plotted out for them to happen and you can get stuck with tunnel vision and forget to enjoy life as it occurs around you... I forget that sometimes it's the unknown factors in the world that set us up to get what we really want, or teach us a lesson we will be grateful for the rest of our lives that we learned... So to tie my jumbled thoughts together =)

In my pursuit of an acting career, I have felt the need to 'prove myself' to others that I am an actress... I get stressed out when I don't book work, frustrated when I do lousy on an audition... ready to kick rocks when I don't have any auditions... but again when I apply what I've learned in class to have an objective (pursuit of an acting career) do the doing (audition, network, audition some more, etc) and see what happens than that takes the stress off of me of trying to force anything to happen... because I know something will always happen whether it matches my desire objective or not life will happen and I can chose to be frustrated that it didn't match my plotted plan to a tee or go with the flow and not stress so much about forcing "life" or "proving" anything to anyone.

I'mma put those on the Shelf for now...

The Story
The last few weeks have been jam packed. I haven't had time to sit down and process what I've learned and what I'm feeling about life and my progress with my acting career, school and what not. There are definitely good qualities about just going with the flow and not questioning life and just taking it as it comes, it feels like a fairy tale or a dream state where you are just along for the ride but then when life slows down a little and you have a chance to catch your breath, you start to hear the never ending critic voice "what's next"... "what am I doing"... "what should I be doing"... "How could I have made the last 3 weeks more productive"... "Should I have done that" hmmmm. I have mixed views about this questioning portion of my mental state. I know this mode of thinking can be destructive but in the same line answering those questions can often lead to progression in your journey...

I was able to catch my breath for a second long enough to know that during my small pockets of
"free time" I didn't want to do anything on my "responsible adult lists" I wanted to stay in a world where my only responsibilities were to go to 1) work, 2) bring my "A" game to class, and 3) spend time with a new Love... so I put my hefty list of things to do, goals to accomplish and acting follow up game, on hold for now...

The Thought
As I sit and write about putting my "lists" on hold to focus on classes, work and a man... a part of me cringes at the thought that I can't do it all? Why can't I manage to do all the things on my lists, and work 30+ hours and go to school for 16+hrs per week not including rehearsal times, and spend the quality time that is needed (and wanted) that it takes to get to know someone new. Mentally I can map it out on a piece of paper how to fit everything in, but in reality, my energy levels do not seem to be able to handle all of it right now. So I picked what I wanted to focus on... To say my choices are the right choices is letting myself off the hook a little, because a part of me knows that neglecting the biz side (the networking/follow through) is not the right choice career wise... this industry is about 80% of that. But for me, stressing over the 80% biz part plus dealing with my "must do's" of work and school was not worth my sanity... the way I look at it, I'm still working on my craft so It's not like I am putting my whole career on hold, I'm just focusing on the artistic side only right now.

The Bigger Picture
The point is, when life starts to get too crowded, where your days are greeted with the stress of all the things you want to do and/or need to do etc, there comes a point when you have to prioritize what you will allow yourself to focus on right now in the present and put the other things on the shelves. Sometimes we don't allow ourselves to put things on hold for fear of not picking them up off the shelf. It can also be hard to figure out what you will choose to shelve and what you will choose to deal with especially when you want to do it all and do it all, right now. I know my schedule will open up at the end of May, so I will be able to pick up a lot of things that I needed to shelf for my own sanity. That's why I put them on a "low" visible shelf (lol), I can still see them and they are easy to reach off. But for now they can stay there, so I can juggle my schedule more freely and enjoy it while I'm living it...

No Need to Layer Up

The Story
I went to a seminar with Michael Guy from Atlas Talent. Now let me just say I love him, whether he his going to give me a call or not, he loves what he does and knows the biz like the back of his hand. His insight on commercial trends was like a light bulb clicking on (which after he said it, it was like Duh, and I felt a little stupid for not picking up on it on my own) but anyways, what he said was, whatever the hit shows are at the time, the commercial world is going to try and capture the same type characters. For example, closer to the time that Sex and the City II comes out we will see more 4 girl group commercials etc. BUT, what stuck out the most was when Michael talked about the times when actors book commercial work... it's when they come in without that extra "layer." They just come to do their work and leave to carry on with life outside the audition. They didn't come to book the job. They didn't come to showcase that they are "the one's" Or prove they can "Act" or even come to do it "perfect". Just simply come in pick up the copy, make your choices, do the audition and continue on with their days.

He said that, often times this is when they've had one of those "can't get right days" or that this is their 30th audition without booking anything and they don't have the extra energy to give anymore then what is needed... those are the typical type of actors who book the job. Commercials have forever (I think) changed from the old school "sales pitch" dialogue, to wanting "Real people/ real life" But, often times when actors go in for a commercial audition, we put on the layer of falseness to be what we think we need to be. We want to come off as shinny and perfect without any flaws. We don't realize that we are putting too much energy into being this "perfect" sales person that we are covering our own imperfections, which is what makes people unique and which is what books the job. This got me to thinking about the layers we pile on in everyday life... Sometimes we do "way to much."

Personal Experience

About a year ago, I went to my first commercial audition. I auditioned for a Papa Johns Commercial... and it was random how I got the audition. I work at a networking company where a Casting Director has an office within our building. I fit the type and while I was working he said come to the audition. I was just excited to get an audition and I didn't go in expecting anything just went is as me and what do you know I got a callback...

And of course, it was during the callback audition, I expected something. I went in not to do the job, but to book it. I went in already fantasizing me on the red Carpet (LOL, yes a callback for Papa Johns and I'm already writing my Oscar speech SMH- my imagination can runaway with it's self from time to time) but, yes, this is what was in my head when I went to the callback audition. I had this ultra ego superstar mind set and when I tell you I did way too much, I did way to much. Of course I didn't book it.

The Bigger Picture
The layers we put on to build ourselves up to what we think we need to be or even what we want to be, can actually take away from who we really are. And it's who we really are that is the most appealing in life.

Finish the thought...

The Story
It's almost been 1 month exactly since I last posted my "thoughts." Not that I haven't wrote them, because I did. I've wrote a number of blogs since February 21st, however I could never finish the thought... they were missing something.

So instead of putting out half finished products, I gave nothing. I don't know how I feel about that. Is it better to put out nothing if you feel like you haven't fully thought out or better put, tied your thoughts together so they are well rounded? Or do you force yourself to finish what you started and put it out there, even though you feel like if you just wait a day or two (or a month) what you really want to say, but couldn't find the words, will suddenly appear and then you have an "Aaah Ha" moment and start writing and everything comes together perfectly. I guess because I don't get paid to do this I have the luxury of not producing. Hmmm, I don't like that. My lack of producing my blog has sparked two main thoughts...

Are You Holding Yourself to a Higher Standard?
One of my teachers pointed out to the class a couple weeks ago, this is one of the most unforgiven industries there is. It doesn't matter what's going on in your personal life, you are expected to show up prepared to work and work well. If you can't do that because of a family passing or an illness or a whatever life dramas come your way, you will be fired and replaced... the show must go on. So in my head, I think...

"Of course I will/ and can pull it together if I'm in a Broadway Show, or doing a production where I actually get "paid" to work or when the stakes are really high like auditioning for a piece that would get me ahead in the industry even if it didn't pay. I would definitely bring my "A" Game regardless of what's going on in my life. But if a "crisis" is going on in my life and I just have a class (that I paid for), then it's okay and acceptable to miss or slack off a bit."

...But this mentality is not holding my art to a higher standard. I am doing myself in injustice and disrespecting my talents when I come to do "okay" work, or even aim to do "good" work. Holding my art to a higher standard, means respecting it enough to work diligently on my craft not because I get paid to do it, not because I want to impress the teacher or be "good" or "perfect" but to fully express myself and use my God given talent to it's maximum ability, each and ever time. Even though writing my blog isn't acting, it's still an artistic outlet that I want to and have committed to do, which I have fallen short of doing this past month. I didn't hold my art as a writer to a higher standard. I made the excuse that It's because I didn't want to put thoughts that were not well rounded out there. Which is true, I didn't want to put anything that didn't have weight to it, or make sense. I think to a degree this is admirably with a strong hint of Bullshit (Ha, I had to laugh at myself on that one). If I held my writing to a higher standard, I would have finished the thoughts (no excuses). Even if that meant staying up until the crack of dawn to do so. It wouldn't have been so easy to walk away from and say "I'll finish that Tomorrow."

The Half Finished Thoughts
The other thought that was trigger by my lack of blogging is how often times in life we do put out half finished thoughts. We speak (or write) before thinking, as the saying goes. When I'm having a "blond" moment that leads to a mishap, what have you, I will tend to say "damn, if I only would've thought that out for two more seconds, I could have skipped over this dumb shit I'm in now." Can I pay for hindsight? Anyways, I know I am guilty of putting not so well rounded thoughts out there based on other information that was probably not so well thought out. So all this has got me thinking how often people form opinions, actions etc. based on half thought out thoughts. Hmmm? Why does the news and politics come to mind... (okay let my brain stop wandering)

In acting, we get a scene and part of our job is to dissect it, know and understand everything. We have to craft why we do and say what is in the script. If we don't bring all those layers together and know exactly what each line means, what we are doing and saying, then how can we really bring the voice of the playwright to life? This transfers to life in general. We all were given a voice, if we don't know why we say what we say, or if we are spitting out in the world half developed thoughts, then how can do we bring strength to our voice?

The Bigger Picture
I was thinking about why we stop ourselves from doing something, whether it be a artistic or not. Why we start a project but do not finish it. (Of course, sometimes its just laziness) but other times, I think it's because we do not fully allow ourselves to believe in our talents. Believe that our voice is worthy to be heard. Believe that we can accomplish what we want to, dream to, aspire to do. We do not hold our Voice to a higher standard, therefore we speak thoughts that are lacking purpose. We do not hold our dreams to a higher standard, therefore we give ourselves the "luxury" of not working toward them. We let ourselves off the hook because we do not take ourselves serious. We don't finish the thought so to speak and we give nothing.

Stay Focus on the "Pose" at Hand...

The Story

I took a Bikram Yoga class this past week to kick start my workout plan. I used to do it about a year or so ago and I remember being better at it (maybe I was in better shape then) but either way, this time around it was tough. I was struggling with the poses and had my moments where I just wanted to walk out (which isn't allowed) and I didn't want to sit down because the struggle occurred within the first 10 mins of the class and I felt like if I sat down I would have brought negative energy to the room which I definitely didn't want to do, and more-so I would've felt like a punk. So I remained standing and attempted the poses to the best of my ability with taking moments of "standing" rest breaks where I'm bent over hands on knees trying to gain composure... until the instructor told me it's better to stand straight up and not collapse.

What I know about Bikram is that if I focus on my breath, and the "pose at hand" only and NOTHING else, it's doable. I am able to maintain all the poses and go deeper into the stretches. I am able to push myself to the limit. It feels great, for that time being, to be able to be so in the moment and so focused on what I'm doing without being distracted, not even by that little voice in my head that seems to be related to the energizer bunny.

The Inspired Thought

This idea of being intently focus on the "pose" or I'll say task at hand got me thinking a lot about isolation and blocking out the world to get things done. I've taken my share of Breaks from the world so-to-speak, but normally when I do it's because I'm having some breakdown and need to re-group. I have a friend right now who has for the most part been in isolation so she can focus on her task at hand which is studying for the bar. She has sacrificed her social life for her greater goal. She knew that to get what she wants the amount of focus she needed to bring to the table so she let all of us (her friends) know what was going on and then she got down to business working on her task at hand.

I once heard the saying "it's a lonely road to the top"... Now I don't agree with this saying 100% I have a strong core group of friends and we always say we are getting there together but regardless I get what the saying is trying to get across. I realize the amount of focus you need to accomplish a weekly task is one thing, but when you are trying to accomplish a dream or pursue your passion, or make a worldly change the amount of focus you need to hold is immense. And sometimes you need to isolate yourself, go inward and block out the world to do that.

I believe that life in your 20's is full of all kinds of distractions; some physical, some mental, some tangible and some not. I also know living in a city like New York there is even another layer of distractions added to the list and then your have all the distractions that come along with pursuing a career in the arts. All that to say, there are a lot of "hurdles" that need to be leaped over durning my pursuit and when I'm not paying attention to the task at hand, and my mind is wandering about other things I forget to look where I'm going and Bam! run right into the hurdle. Now sometimes I can get up and brush off and keep it moving, and other times I get hurt and end up and "off the track."

When it Counts...

I shot my first commercial this past Friday. I didn't know what to expect. I was nervous and excited all in the same line. When I got to the set I learned that I was going to be improvising all my lines. And I was the only actor on set at this time, so all eyes on me. So basically I'm sitting on the desk of my sewing studio with about 8 production people dead straight in front of me and then commotion all around fixing props, lights, my hair and make up touches the whole nine and I know any second now we are going to be taping and I have no idea what I'm going to say.... So distractions were at an all time high, I was trying to see what was going on but deep down I knew that I didn't need to know what was going on around me, I needed to know what I what my job was. I had to take some breaths, block everyone and everything around me out. I found a focus spot to look at so I could ground myself and I became focused on the task at hand. I'd be lying if I said I was able to maintain that through out, I had my moments again where I let the voice in my head get some volume to itself and I'd start listening and start to get nervous and second guess myself, but then I'd see my focus spot and calm back down and keep it moving. Overall it was fun and I'm ready for my next one!

The Bigger Picture

I shared with my Dad, and a good friend last week that the more I throw myself into my career, and the more focused I become with it, the less I think about what's lacking in my life. There really isn't enough time to dwell on what I "think" I need or want... All my energies are going into something I believe in therefore I go full speed ahead. This brings me to another point... Believing in yourself and your talent will create a whole new amount of focus in your world of pursuit. Because when you really believe you can and will accomplish what you set out to do then you become fearless... or maybe you still have fear, but it's not a hurdle that takes you off the track, it's the one you continuously jump over.

"And This Too, Shall Pass"

The Reenactment
Casting Director: Hi Mimi

Me: (BIG CHEESE ON MY FACE/ HEART POUNDING) Yes! HI!

Casting Director: I don't have good news for you...

Me:(heart dropped, sunk into the chair)... Aw man, well *sigh* thanks for...

Casting Director: I HAVE GREAT NEWS!!!!

Me: I Flew Up out of my seat, out of the restaurant into the streets of New York trying not to scream into the ear of the casting director (which, no I didn't) but my body couldn't help itself it needed to move... So I did a little dance right there in the street. Then I proceed to take a breath and calm down, (which didn't happened) and picked up the cell to dial my #1... MY POPS, because Lord knows he has been my biggest supporter in my pursuits... It was a good day, I was on Cloud 9...

The Story
On of my Favorite quotes is "And this too, shall pass" I use this saying a lot when times are tough, but it really counts for all things. Right now, I am still on the high from booking my first commercial, but there was a part of me that wanted to suppress that joy for fear of being "boastful." However, then I thought about the quote...I know this feeling is going to eventually pass, so why wouldn't I give myself permission to take it all in and allow myself to experience this fully and openly? I love when people share their joys with me, I feel included and often inspired. I think this is a good quote to sit with from time to time regardless of what is going on in your life. I think if you truly grasp the understanding that this moment will pass, people wouldn't take life for granted as much, you would suck up and indulge in the good times more, and during those hard times, there will be an acknowledgment within you that knows "and this too, shall pass." There is these thing (I don't know what quite to call it) verse or passage that ties into what I am trying to express.. I try and read every morning the author is anonymous but it goes like this...

Today is a New Day
I have Given me this Day to use as I will
I could waste it away
or use it for good
What I do today is important
Because when tomorrow comes
This day will be gone forever
and in it's place is something I have left behind
let that be something good.

The start of a new day means one has just passed, and is "gone forever" I know I have been guilty of looking back in my past trying to figure out when I was most happy and when my life was exciting etc... and I would try and figure out how to recreate that now... but those moments have passed. What would have been more beneficial is to embrace each moment like I knew it was going to pass so when it did I would have no regrets letting it go. I lived it out fully.

The Bigger Picture
There are times when I just want everything on my vision board to happen NOW! (yep I'm all about the vision boards) anyways, I just want to jump to that part in my life, I think a lot of people have felt that way. The whole "I just can't wait until this happens or until I have this".... I do it often actually. But then that is taking for granted my life now. If I did have a magic control button where I can jump to where everything has come together, I would have missed feeling this excitement, and this excitement was worth all the struggles I've been through on this journey thus far. I think the picture I am trying to paint, the big picture here is that embrace your present moments fully, whether its the struggle, or hanging with friends in your pj's talking about life, or having time alone to do nothing, or even being "in-love" for a day or weekend lol, whatever you are currently doing... because when those moments are gone, they are gone.

It's a Start... The Standing O is on it's way!

The Story
People say the early bird gets the worm right? Well, I'm trying... I wouldn't necessarily call 7:30am early per say, I know that's the time some people gotta be at work, but It's early for me... So, when I woke up today, the sun was piercing in my room I thought "Oh Shit" I'm late! I proceeded to jump out of bed and make a mad dash for the day. Well, imagine my surprise when I looked at my cell and saw that it was only 7:30am. Huh, how about that. I didn't go back to sleep because my body had naturally woke up, thus meaning... It got sufficient rest and was ready to take on the day yay! I say all this to say... I've been wanting to become an "early" bird for a while now, refer back to Fantasy vs Reality and not saying one day of earlier rising is a mission accomplished, but it's a start...

It is a start...
As I pat myself on the back for what may seem like a rather small accomplishment, I can't help but think how my attitude seems to be changing for the better. There was a point not too long ago where the little moments of success wouldn't seem great or enough. I wouldn't be happy until the BIG PICTURE came together. However, isn't it all the small things that add up to create the big picture? In Acting, there are a lot of small moments of success that I think many of actors dis-regard especially when starting out. Such as, just getting all your ducks in a row to go auditions. Getting that killer monologue, getting great headshots, biz cards etc. Then there are the next successes such as actually going for in for auditions, building a relationship with casting directors and agents. Then on to getting the callbacks, being put on hold, even doing background work. All of these mini accomplishments are not what we got in the biz to do, however... they are starts (steps) to reaching the bigger picture. And maybe they don't deserve a Standing "O", but acknowledgment... a pat on the back to think "yay, I'm doing my thang"...

I still gotta go after the worm
With all that being said, it is the start. There is still the middle and end and they are just as important to acknowledge and celebrate. Especially the middle... but I'm not quite there yet in my pursuit of acting so now is probably not the time to project what I think the middle ground journey is all about... but I am on may way, and I plan to give myself credit where credit is due... even if its for the small things like naturally waking up early.

The Bigger Picture
Ironically, the bigger picture is just a whole bunch of smaller ones that are added up together to create the masterpiece of work called your life. I know there is a saying that goes along the line that its not the end location that matters it's the journey to get there that counts.. .I know I messed that saying all up, I just can't think of how it goes right now, but you get the point. Cherish the small victories in life. If you look at your life on a day by day basis I wouldn't be surprise if you start to pat yourself on the back throughout the day. Sometimes you aren't going to have a crowd around you to cheer you on... so be your own cheerleader, until the Standing Ovation comes.

Going Above and Beyond...

The Story
I sat in class the other day hearing my classmates talk about artist from centuries ago... Creative people who made an impact in the world of art, dance and theatre. (We all were given a person to research and present to the class). Anyways, I sat and listened to these stories in awe. These men and woman were so passionate about their craft, it was their true love... They didn't "want" to be an actor or dancer... they "needed" to. It was their air...

Hearing these stories inspired me to fall in love with my craft so-to-speak.

One of my friends favorite quotes is ""In all things you do, strive to do them so well that no man living, no man dead, and no man yet to be born can do it better."-- Benjamin E. Mays

I feel like these men and women I heard about and read about knew what the word "strive" meant. But, they weren't doing it for fame, or for money but for the love of the art and for themselves. Hearing some of their life tales about their madness to obtain a deep creative understanding of their work was enlightening. They would stay up all hours of the night to go over scripts and ideas. It's quite romantic hearing about their life and love for the arts.

The Inspired Thought
I sat down to write this entry and express how the stories of these peoples past effected me. I was going to talk about passion, love, about the ability to go beyond the acceptable rules of the times, to break the norms against all the odds etc. because these were the images that popped into my head. However, when I sat down to write... I felt inadequately equipped to do so. I wrote a sentence about Passion and immediately questioned did I really understand that word. I've never really looked it up. This triggered even more thoughts...

I admit I take many things for granted (which I'm trying to work on) but language is something I use every day, and I've had no regard for it. I throw words like Passion, and Love and Rage and Strive around so loosely, yet these words carry so much emotion... so many stories. As my classmates would read quotes spoken by their "person" people would actually come to tears because of what was being conveyed, through language.

The Bigger Picture
I keep thinking about my friends favorite quote, and I keep thinking about my pursuit of acting... the training and evolving. I think the key word in the quote is striving. What do you do when you are striving for something beyond greatness? You learn... better put, you seek out information, and you never stop.

My Retirement Plan...

The Story
I once had a friend whose greatest fear in life was becoming stagnant. Stagnant is defined by one of the search engines as 1) a lack of development, advancement, or progressive movement and 2) inactive, sluggish, or dull.

As I sit at work, checking in actors for their networking events, I can't help but think I have, or I am becoming stagnant in this job. Although this company is designed to help actors "advance" and "develop relationships" it has become a place of stagnation for me. When I come to work, I don't come to network, or grow, or advance anymore... I come to work as a desk clerk. At one point in my life, this job "fed me" in terms of my career it was exciting even. When I knew nothing about this business, I was able to learn who was who in this industry. I got to see the very many different ways actors carry themselves. I learned what to do and more so what not to do. I learned how roles are cast and who cast what types of roles. I've met a number of actors that I now call friends, or allies, and even coaches so-to-speak... but now, and for a while at that... I feel as if I have become stagnant. It's not that I don't love the people I work with because I do. It's a great company and great people to work for. I don't know whether I'm taking it for granted, maybe I need an attitude adjustment, or if it that I've just out grown the job. BUT...I do know, I am not a desk clerk. I did not move to New York City to check people in... so something has to give.

The Inspiration
This past Sunday in Church the Minster talked about divine retirement... but in the sense of "re-tiring" your tires. You are putting on new tires for a new chapter... or should I say a new road. Think about how many jobs you have already retired from... I put down my apron about two years ago... I retired my life from the world of restaurants and bars, which I had been doing since my teenage years and have never looked back because I am not a waitress.

Now, by no means do I plan to quit my job (well at least not now, that is)... It might not "feed" my soul or produce mental growth like it used to, but it feeds me literally and keeps my bank account out of the red zone. Plus, I really do love my co-workers. However, sometimes saying things out loud (or writing) can set in motion change, whether within my own thinking and/or approach to my job or by attracting what I want into my life... I am not a desk clerk. I am an actress. Again, I did not move to New York City to sit behind a desk.

The Thought
I was brought up thinking of retirement as a joyous thing when you can stop working, the whole "I want to be retired by 30 or 40"... But, if you love what you do... the thought of putting it down wouldn't seem like such a joyous thing anymore. If a large part of our days are spent working... why would we be doing something we don't want to do, something that doesn't fed our souls? Why would we become stagnant in our careers, or our jobs.

In acting class, will are creating different activities that are to bring us to life. We are exploring what makes us tick in good and bad ways. You know that energy you feel when you are really really really happy or sad or hurt or in rage... we go after those feelings. Often times, our critics are that what we chose to do in our activities did nothing to us or for us... They didn't spark life in us. Thus making a scene dull. And as in Actor, it's not fulfilling in the less, you sit down feeling defeated, like you wasted your moment on stage. I guess in life we should do he same... go after things that create life within ourselves, choose jobs that are fulfilling.

The Bigger Picture
We often hear life is short, but growing up I took in this message with a grain of salt, I didn't fully grasp what it meant. However, it's depth tends to stand out more when you are faced with loss... You start to think about life and what's important, and your happiness and goals etc. I know I have responsibilities. I know that I need money to support myself, but I also understand that I can not predict what tomorrow will bring or even if I am going to be here, my life span is in God's hands, and I believe I would be doing him a dis-service by taking my life for granted and being dull, inactive, and sluggish. I think I better start making my retirement plan for jobs that do not ignite my soul.

No Whammies, No Whammies.... Damn Double Whammies

The Story

The last two weeks I had a lot of "potential" jobs... I had 4 print go-see's (high paying might I add) and 1 automatic hold without even having to attend the go-see because the photographer remembered auditioning a friend and I over a year ago for a Microsoft and wanted us on hold. (Being on hold, again means they are interested in you and it's pretty much between you and another)... Then I had a commercial audition yesterday, which I left feeling pretty damn good about... and had confirmation from the casting director that I did really well, so if I didn't get it... then it's because they want a different type... Sooo all that to say A lot of "potential" was in the air.

Well today was a Double Whammy... back to back, I was released from the hold for the commercial that shoots tomorrow, and then two hours later I was released from the print gig. (Released means that you weren't the one they chose) UGH! I allowed myself to throw about a 10 minute pity party and move on with life. (Why can't it be that easy to do with boys? LOL) anyways....

The Thought

As I was sharing my rejection pains with a fellow actor, I had the slight thought... how many times could I get rejected without booking anything before I "snapped." I think people who want to get into this biz have to be able to hear no, and be rejected over and over and over again and understand that you might never hear yes, but be okay with the pursuit of the dream... and still not start to doubt themselves or their talent.

Now, I've heard "yes" before... and I hear "maybe" often (being put on hold)... but I have heard "no" the most yet still I pound the pavement. After the gloom goes away, the hungry pains increase, but I'm careful not to turn into a "broken actor", who Casting Directors and Agents can smell the desperation oozing out the moment they walk in. Those who have let the rejection get to them and they are out for blood so-to-speak. They no longer seem human, they come across as drug fiends. I see many in my line of work at the networking company. It's in there eyes and their behavior... it's as if the world is weighing down on their chest and "this" meeting with "this" Casting Director (as known as another HUMAN BEING) is the only one who can save them...

I can actually see how this comes about... I believe it's the taste of success that causes this addicting fiend like behavior. You start to crave it, need it. It's gratifying, it gives you a sense of being invincible at times, hell it makes you feel good, makes you feel worthy. Now, the stronger I become in my faith I'm starting to understand that with or without success, I am worthy... I am enough. However, in this industry, sometimes the biz plays tricks on your foundation and fucks with your head. It makes you think "you are only as good as your last job."

The Bigger Picture

Today, I was feeling rejected and like I wasn't enough, I was about to start the downward spiral of second guessing myself, and try and figure out WHY THEY DIDN'T PICK MEEEEEEEEE!!! (LOL) but I can't allow myself to go down that road... it leads to no where. This got me thinking how in life we often ask the ridiculous question "Why"... yes there are times it serves it's purpose, more often in my life... it proves to be irrelevant. This also got me thinking about how success can be a driving force of proving our own self worth either to ourselves or others. I once heard the saying don't let others tell you who you are. I think that can even go deeper, the net of it is, not letting the outside world be your validation of worth. Rejections will come, success can come and go... you might be praying for the jackpot but hit the whammy, that's just the way this cookie crumbles, but no matter what, you are worthy... you are enough, and don't let anything or anyone take that away from you.

The Follow Through...

The Set Up
I played basketball for a number of years growing up, and yes I was quite good... more so with defense (you definitely weren't taking me to the hole). I was great with assists and stealing the ball...all that was cool. However, when it comes to offense, well I could definitely drive the ball and okay so (not dunk) but do a really smooth lay-up, ANY ways... I could not do a jump shot to save my life! Could it have been the follow threw Hmmmmm.

The Story
In "showbiz" the business side deals with all types of follow throughs. When you meet with industry people (Casting Directors, Agents, Managers, Producer, Directors) your goal is to of course make it known that you are a talented actor, and spark interest (a friend once told me you have to make people care about you, still working on that and getting a little better though... being polite and modest are not always the best tools in this game) ... but besides this, you need to get some form of contact information to keep them updated on what you are doing. This is the Follow Threw. The follow threw in basketball last for seconds after you take a shot... however, after you take a "shot" in this industry... the follow through can last a lifetime.

Thus far I have about 10 industry personal to keep updated with what I am doing... any many many many more to met and build relationships with. For example, I have 2 print agents, both are consider tops in the print/commercial world here in NYC (Abrams Artist/ and CESD). I recently started working with Abrams as of January 2010, but I met them over 3 months ago... which I say only to show that just because someone is not calling you at lightening speed, doesn't mean they are not going to call you. However, every time I was put on hold or booked a project... a postcard went out to them informing them of my news.

Another example, I met with Craig Holzberg, owner of Avalon Artist Group (Bi-Coastal Agency) back in the fall of 2009, and about a week later I sent a Thank you note for his time, the meeting and his feedback... and about 3 weeks later I got a call from Erica Moran, the head of the commercial depart at Avalon asking for me to come in for a formal meeting... Now I freelance with them for commercials. BUT... the important part here is that the follow threw does not stop there... I still need to build that relationship. Keep her informed on what's new and good...

But these are a few of the times I was on my follow threw game... however, there are a number of times I fall short. Ideally I would like to set a time daily dedicate to only the "follow threw." And since getting my new apartment and having my "office space" set up I feel like I will be able to fill out this fantasy LOL...

The Bigger Picture
As I sit here at work, day dreaming about how I'm going to become an all-star player in terms of my "follow-threw", I think about how life is really made up of following through with things. Yesterday, I had a mini-breakdown, primarily because I had not followed through with what I needed to do. Sometimes, I get in a tiff with friends because I don't follow through with what I say I'm going to do... (I often have a good reason) but none-the-less, it's disappointing to them all the same. One boy, years ago (my friends know the story well), this dude actually had the nerve to call me a flake because of my follow through... or non-following through skills LOL/SMH... I still hold a place for him in my heart (well not quite heart, but you get the picture) because at that time in my life... he was right, I most certainly was a flake. I've come a long way since those days, but there is still room for needed improvement, whether it be in terms on my acting career, or my word, or my goals.

Life Goes On...

The Story
I'm at work holding back tears because I'm stressed out! (And I was just on cloud nine because I moved into a brand new beautiful apartment and I love it)... but how my emotions can change in a blink of eye. My medical insurance ended... and procrastination has gotten the best of me yet again because I was suppose to have been dealt with my insurance at the beginning of the month... but I kept putting it at the bottom of my list of things to do... and when I went to apply today there was a 3 hours + waiting list... WHO THE FUCK HAS TIME TO SIT IN A SMALL DIRTY ASS ROOM FOR 3 HOURS... why can't I just fax the information in! I really don't know what to do... If I have to potentially wait for 3 hours... Fine, I'll go on my day off... but what is weighing on my chest is that I have no more medicine and this is a problem because I had a kidney transplant in 01' and I need medicine to make sure my body does not reject my kidney... needless to say, I'm a little worried- well my fear is that now that everything is coming together in my life... I'm scared that everything is going to crumble apart like it has in 06' and again in 08' and this time it will be my fault because instead of accepting that I have health issues, and dealing with them like an adult... I do what I do best and pretend they don't exist. So here I am, chest is tight... I can't have a breakdown because I'm at work... so I'm just waiting til 10:30pm to go home and cry in my pillow (because that's going to solve it) I know, I know that's not going to solve anything, I just need to release this stress and deal with it on my "day off".... Ugh really not feeling myself right now!

Tough Choices
When I'm going through frustrating times, I tend to want to take a "time out" of my life and hope that when I come back all problems are gone. What I don't want to do when I'm stressed out is make tough choices... but I am now faced with going to the doctors tomorrow (which would seem like a must) however... Tomorrow I have a performance in my Voice/Speech class that I can not miss... then movement class. To make matters worse got called into the "principal's office" today (My Acting teacher) saying that I was doing well, however... I can't miss anymore of my other classes. "DO NOT MISS ANYMORE" I don't want to give up training, when I'm learning so much and can see and feel improvement, especially for health but if I neglect my gift (My eldest brother gave me his kidney) the amount of guilt well be beyond anything that I could handle.... and to top tomorrow off I go straight from class to work... I agreed to cover someones shift and prior to that I've given away a # of shifts to make it look like I make less money for insurance purposes.... so needless to say, I need the money.

The Bigger Picture... (a couple hours later)
First, let me start by saying... It took a while for me to figure out what I wanted to take away from this life lesson because my head was clouded with negative thoughts... but I believe (besides the obvious of prioritizing and growing up) is that when you are dealing with stressful events, things that hurt you or things that frighten you... sometimes you don't have the luxury of taking a "time out" from your life... you have to "put on a face" and get through the day. Your responsibilities don't go away... they are still there when you come up from that pillow...

I've been saying I was going to deal with the tough stuff this year and face my fears (and I thought I had which has had me feeling pretty damn good)... but then this came about and I guess God is putting them all in the same month, because Lord knows my health scares the shit out of me... and now I have no choice but to deal with it. I think the real big picture here is not allowing the hurt and pain and fear to cause you to shut down... and block the world out, that even through the tough times decisions must be made, responsibilities must be taken care of and that life goes on...

My Shameful Habit...

My Shameful habit
Oh those dirty habits I picked up in my college years SMH... I'm talking about "Half-Assing" it. Many people go to college for many different reasons sidebar (LOL@ my college days...How I loved those days). I can remember times that I would have partied the week away knowing I would have 10-20 page papers due... and be 100% stressfree living life up until about 24 hours prior to the class... tha'ts when I would buckle down head to a 24 hour diner (Majestic over on Ponce) order the chicken fingers and like 20 coffees til I got it done! (Of course I always got it done).

Now by no means did I get an A+ nor an A- for that matter but I'd at least get what I needed to pass with slightly above average grades... and this was "A-Okay" by me :) However... fast forward some years and I look back at how easy it would have been to get in A's in college... and that be by giving more then 50% of what I can do... If I can get C's and B's off some bullshit, imagine what I could've done with a little more effort.

The Excuses
My problem (well one of them) in college, I was living in a city filled with fun distractions... and I was a kid HA! Now, I'm in another city filled with even more distractions (not all fun though) and I'm still "Half- Assing" shit, because well, however this is going to sound... I'm so good at it and can get by... I've been doing it for so long that it's become a habit. I can blame it on my schedule, but like I said the other day, there really are ways to fit more in during my day. I just need to multi-task better and manage my time better. And, if I can't fit in the time to bring 100% to the table especially in terms of my acting training then I need to reduce my load.

The Story
I was at Esper the other day during my break talking to one of my buddy's comparing our blocks in classes (kinda of like writers block, but in terms of acting) and trying to diagnose potential reasons for the blocks... I know the technique we are learning is a process in it's self, so it takes time to sink in... but the leg work I do outside of the classroom is/ or can be the meat of my process. As we were talking I mentioned that I believed the cause to be my "shameful college habit." This got me thinking that if I continue with this behavior not only am I doing my acting craft a dis-service, I am wasting time, and money and my quality of life is even less because I'm giving the bare minimum... and what makes me think that when the time comes to give 100% say during an audition that I'm going to magically be able to bring my "A" game when I've only been working with my "C" game (wishful thinking... another blog).

The Lesson
I've been out of college for about 5 years now, and have not once been asked what my grade point average was... nor have I used half (maybe even more) of the information taught in school. However, what I have learned, the habits you pick up during school, you tend to carry with you when you are out of school... My brother, who has always been more disciplined and organized with his studies, brings 100% effort into all that he does, work, family, studies, church, finances... the whole shebang. Now yes, he is a smart guy, but he pick his habits of time management, multi-tasking, prioritizing, and will power at a pretty young age and developed strong skills to be a very responsible adult. I definitely look up to the guy for this and wished I wasn't always so aloof at times, but I'm learning...

The Bigger Picture
The quality of life... how can I give only 50% and expect 100% growth in return. I talk a lot about who and what kind of woman I want to eventually grow to become. Because of my career path, I also do a lot of self assessments so I'm tend to be aware of what's going on in my world and where there is room for improvements. I once heard life is like a spiral cord going up, because you tend to deal with the same issues (in one shape or another) over and over but the way you process these issues changes because you are dealing with them from a more developed mind set (hopefully). But you do have to aid your development skills. A good friend once told me "you can't do the same thing, and expect different results." And I also heard that it takes 21 days to create or break a habit... so here goes (I don't even know what # goal this is for me thus far) but none-the-less, here goes to putting my college habits to rest and increasing the quality of my life! Cheers *smiles*

Time is Money...

The Story
When I think of having a day off, I think about a guiltless day of lounging in pj's, catching up on the show's I've DVR'd, stuffing my face with goodies (I know, I know... no goodies for 40). Or I think about meeting friends for lunch and taking in a show or wandering around the City like I'm a tourist and see where the day takes me... but this is not what "day's off" look like anymore. "Day's Off" are filled with pedestrian life "to-do's." Laundry, Appointments, Cleaning, Grocery Shopping etc. Or in my case... running to the paint shop to get free packing boxes, start packing up for my move, making needed phone calls, last minute casting (which is why I didn't get to the laundry) and then to a networking seminar with Ingrid French (Manager) in hopes to get representation. As I left the meeting at 9:00pm exhausted from running around all day and thinking about the number of things I still need to do on my next "day off" I got to thinking about my time management skills and whether I am using my time wisely... As I've noted in other writings, my schedule is pretty packed, but is it really that packed where I can't squeeze in a load here in there or make a call during my break vs. playing on Facebook or gossiping?... Am I just making excuses for not doing (what I call) pedestrian "chores"? I think this is the case. So to add to my list of things to change to be a better person... Time management goes on that list.

Another goal
I've talked to friends about how time seems to fly by the older we get... we also compare each others want's and to-do list and when you throw time (or the lack of) into that equation, stressful thoughts seem to come to mind. Where do the hours in a day go (I also find myself asking the same question about the dollar$ in my bank account... but that's another blog) back to the time element... In New York City, a lot of time is dedicated to traveling... plus working and eating, and then the rest of life happens between and during those hours..So if I can some how plot out my days to multi-task and prioritize my day by fitting in a "chore" here and there... then maybe, just maybe my next "day off" will actually be a "day off"... I'll keep you posted.

Bigger Picture
Its easy to measure where your money goes... but your time on the other hand can sometimes slip away from you without a blink of an eye. If the saying time is money is correct, then knowing how you spend your time is as important as how you spend you money... my advice, take inventory of your day and see if you are taking mini "day's off" everyday...

Point me in the direction of a gym please...

40 Day Countdown... the pressure is on

The goal... get in shape for a photo-shoot in 40 days. I hate that I have to say this again, (I feel like it was my 2006 New Years saying) but "gotta get my 6 pack back!" Too much Holiday FOOD :(

The Story

Anyone who really knows me, knows that my sweet tooth rivals that of cookie monster from Sesame Street... Actually I'd probably take his title truth be told. I don't have the strongest taste buds for seasoned "real" food (nor the skills to cook it), but give me those rich chocolate delectable tortes, cheesecakes, pastries, etc. and I'm good! Those who have lived in Atlanta should know about Cafe Intermezzo's... also known as one of my favorite restaurants because of all the desserts yum! "I'll take a slice of the Fruita de bosco and a white chocolate mocha please." =)

So, needless to say... I'm still on my holiday diet (eating pretty much any and everything that looks good) and thus have put on a pound or two... or 7 to be exact LOL. This hasn't really bothered me... until RING RING RING, my best friend, who is also in the biz (we act like each others managers/agents, support team... and therapist at times). Well she did her part tonight by holding me accountable to staying on task. Love her and hate her for it... One of those tasks is to follow through with a photographer that is suppose to shoot us... We have the opportunity to shoot with a really good photographer, and we both need more shots (especially full body shots). Now I've put off shooting for a number of reasons... and now, I absolutely need new shots because of chopping all my hair off, but when my best friend contacted me about the matter, I was resistant (gave her a little bit of a tude at that) because I wasn't ready to give up my yummie diet or get my Kanye 1, 2 step on for that matter. So after I threw my minor tantrum, I realized she was right. I contacted the photographer to set the date. So I got 4o days!!!

The pressure is on... To some this is ample time to get fit. To that I say, we have not met yet and you do not understand my relationship with sweets! It's my kryptonite, especially STARBUCKS, and they are everywhere in the city. Sigh! I know, I'm making excuses, so enough with the whining. This is like getting ready for pre-lent! So as I polish off this slice of pumpkin cheesecake, and slip down my mocha latte' I am making a promise to myself to layoff the sweets and get my ass to the gym and be in kick ass shape for the shoot in 40 days! (Starting Tomorrow, of course)

The Bigger Picture

Will Power... you get it.

Let's Go... Let's Go... LET's GO ALREADY!!!!!

The Diagnoses
I have patience issues... and that would be in all areas of my life. I laugh as I write it, but I'm realizing this is starting to become a big problem... in life and my acting. I am attempting to rush my life!

The Story
I used to have to be the last of my friends to get dressed to go out because if I was ready first all you'd hear would be "Let's go Lets go Lets go"... (My friends had to have a talk with me to settle down). I want so much, and I want it all NOW. I want all my talent NOW, I want my prime-time television contract NOW, I want my national commercial NOW, I want my Husband NOW.. .Seriously I'm trying (and failing miserably at it, might I add) to rush everything, like in class with my emotional preparation. You are suppose to walk in at 100% emotionally full of life based off of an imaginary circumstance... I was at about 68% RUSHED! I did this with the last man I was interested in... "Oh great first date, yep he's the one" (okay it wasn't that bad, but I was definitely trying to rush that into a "love story" yep failed) I even tried to rush this blog... Embarrassing but true, during my two hour break between class and work I went to the "office" for lunch, class review and blogging... but nothing was coming to me. NOTHING! 2 hours of writing and erasing over and over because I wanted to write something profound and deep and bullshit kept popping into my head because I was pushing myself to do so. It wasn't until I gave up, left the coffee shop and headed to work did I have this realization that I'm rushing my life.

The Side Effects
Taking life for granted. Life is built up, from moment to moment. In class we are training our bodies to be more sensitive and be able to read the subtext of moments and live truthfully through them. Well, unfortunately as it is becoming very clear to me... instead of experiencing my life as it comes to me, and enjoying the process of life in general, I'm trying to rush these moments. SMH

The Treatment
I went to church yesterday and the service talked about letting go of control and putting your faith in God, trusting he knows what's best and will get you where you need/want to be, and to entertain the thought that he(God) knows ways to get you there that you may have never even thought of... Hmmm, Well I can totally get that, so of course I left the service that day feeling an all time high thinking "great, I'm good... the Big Man's got me... Life is good!" and yet 24 hours later I'm trying to control and push and rush results!?!! What the ....?

Well, like any addiction, they say the first step is admitting the problem... "I am impatient and I'm trying to rush my life, thus taking it for granted".... Seeing that I've never actually gone through a 12 step program, I don't know what the official next step is... but I think it starts with putting the Big Man (God) first and having faith in him... well this is going to be my step at least...

Giving into the Moment...

The Story
"Give into the moment...." this expression was used repetitively today in class. So as I sit here at work I think about what that means in terms of acting and life in general and why I at times this is difficult for me to do.

We had a cheer in high school that went "Power up... you never Give up and never give in." Clearly this chant was for competitive sport games... but the idea tends to transfer to my every day thinking that if you give up or give in... you are weak... you lost, Game over. So the idea of giving up or giving in to anything, fucks with my head quite frankly. Especially if the moment is painful, or consumed with unpleasant feelings. However, in relation to acting, giving in to the moment is not looked at as weak, or a loss... It's your strength. It's your freedom. It makes you a present actor...which are the best kind of actors, the type that make people flock to the stage to watch your work. It's breathtaking.

I can not count the number of times that I've been overly pissed off (and rightly so), but held my tongue. Or how many times I've been hurt but would not give into the tears. I'd paint my face as if I didn't have a care in the world... and all the while, throughout my body I can feel my blood boiling... my chest tightens. I've done this so much that even those times when I did want to scream out at the top of my lungs what I'm feeling, I was mute. I felt stuck and all that energy stayed right in my chest... "I" become frozen, and I let my "representative" live out the next few moments of life. My representative knows how to deal with these unpleasant moments very well...she avoids them, or intentionally deflects the moment's truthful impact for fear of being judged or looking weak.

I've heard since I was young... "don't where your heart on your sleeve," " keep your head up," "Never let them see you sweat," "always keep em' guessing" and so on. Thus at some point in life I must have created a "representative" of myself to take on these moments as a way of protection? or a way to fit in? or because it's what's political correct. But here I am at Esper studios and every class is like taking a jack hammer to that representative I've created. I think that is the goal first year, is to break "it" down so all I have left is me in my rawest most vulnerable state, and when I get there... I can then be able to work from a grounded non- superficial state of mind, non- surface level being. I can become the beautiful fearless actress I'm striving so hard to be.

The Bigger Picture
During the course of Life, at some point you're bound to build walls and live from those structures. Hell, now of days we build "pages" on Facebook and what have you. We've built these "representations" of ourselves for numerous reasons (good and bad) and use them as means to communicate... yet at times are surprised (or disappointed) when what we see... or read (or created) is not what we get. Or we wake up one day and not know how to process what we are feeling, because we've had our representative doing it for a long time. No wonder there are so many interpretations of what being "real" or "truthful" means anymore. Acting, and the particular training method I've chosen is forcing me to break my representative down... at least in terms of acting. This is stressful, and painful and freeing all in the same line. I think the bigger picture of "giving into the moment" is letting go of control... The process continues.

Working Smarter vs Working Harder...

The Story

Things are shaping up a little more since my last entry... in terms of life outside of acting, I think I've found "the one"... My apartment, that is. In terms of acting, I've reunited with a group of women who are also in pursuit of pounding the pavement. We've decided to hold meet ups twice a month to share our victories, advice, information, and support. We are going to give each other homework in terms of networking and things we need to do to further our careers.

One of the topics of the night that struck a cord with me was working smarter vs. working harder... As an actress you almost have to be split in terms of being the artist and being the business woman (or man)... and often these two sides conflict (no wonder people say you gotta be a little crazy to do this... you have to be wired a little different to deal with all your inner monologues). Maybe it's the artist in me that's attracted to the struggle and chaos of life. I know the artist side of me is craving training and wants to get to a deeper understand of my craft and become more and more open and present. The artist in me doesn't care about the money or the fame but only getting to the root of the stories in the world that have depth and inspire change or awareness to Ideas. But the business woman in me wants to work smarter and figure out what is really necessary to do, to have this be a lucrative career... From the artist point of view, unfortunately, this business is more "who you know, vs. what you know." You could have all the talent in the world but if the right people don't know you then you're stuck...

Conflicting Thoughts...

With all that being said, what's been on my mind a lot lately is how to balance these two sides of my brain along with life outside of my acting career. If I keep my schedule as is, my days are stacked with school and work, with very little time to actually put 100% into either of the two at that. I'm running from one to the next getting home in time to sleep and do it all again the next day. I know when in pursuit, sacrifices need to be made, but the older I get, deciding what I want to sacrifice is changing. I want to enjoy my life, and as one of the women in the group said last night, " I want to enjoy the process" (in terms of acting pursuit). On top of that I damn sure don't want to be struggling with money, and my "day job" is not the most profitable in terms of money, and there is not much room for another job with my schedule. Sooo choices, choices, choices... Do i make the hard choice and grind out? or do I make the "smart" choice reduce my schedule to make more money, network more and audition more?

The Bigger Picture

Working Smarter vs Working harder... and the balancing act between the two. This career is full of forks in the road that can lead you in crazy directions, but nothing is guaranteeing that one way is better then the other, or even that either road will take you to where you want to go. You are making a gamble with all choices... but a friend once said, when YOU make that choice... commit and go hard at it, make the best of it... if it's not what you wanted... you can either back track or take inventory of it and keep it moving til the next fork comes, and take what you've learned from the road you've trail thus far and at least make an educated gamble LOL, if that even makes sense...

My Juggling Act... not so good right now

The Story
My schedule today was suppose to be 9am view an Apartment, Noon -4pm classes (voice/speech and movement) and 4:30pm to 10:30pm work. Well I skipped classes (not good at all) and headed to the coffee shop to check out another apartment and set up appointments for tomorrow and then took care of some of my medical nuances. Although my time was used toward things that needed to be taken care of... I chose to sacrifice certain things, this time it was my training.. my career steps took a blow today.

For whatever reason, falling back into "life" from my very long carefree vacation has been difficult. It's like one day I'm here and the next day my mind can't stop thinking where my Happily ever life is? Where my husband is? Where is my national commercial? Where my primetime series contract is? Where's my LIGHT!? SHIT!!! lol, sorry... I'm getting beside myself. When I get worked up like this it tends to last for a few days and then it'll pass and everything settles... but once again, my problem is my brain mentally knows what I should be doing, yet I don't do it, whether it be because I'm tired, or I have no will power... or I'm having a "bad" day... whatever... but I feel like my brain is having an argument with myself screaming "MIMI PULL IT TOGETHER" and the other voice is saying "calm down, take a break you need it, stop beating yourself up" now maybe both are right, but regardless, I'm not enrolled in a program where you can just miss days because your head is just somewhere else.... hell I'm not in an industry where I can have "off days" for that matter. What am I doing? ...

I want "it all" so-to-speak. I want my career, I want my family, my husband... the list is long. I want a lot of things... and I'm trying to juggle a lot of things... and I'm just not where I want to be yet...

The Bigger Picture
I think the Bigger Picture here is handling pressure, change, stress etc. An actors life can be all over the place literally. How do I expect to be able to handle my life when my career has taken off, and I need to be over sea for 3months or a show moves to LA. How do I plan to be able to memorize lines for 3 different projects I'm working on, as well as prepare materiel for upcoming auditions, still network with casting directors and producers and industry people all the while maintaining a healthy balance life outside of acting, being there for my friends, maintaining strong relationships, staying connected with family... Deep Breath, I think I should treat these moments as practice for when life really gets out of control... I haven't been doing a good job of juggling... I've been being a bit dramatic about the whole thing... I think I need to listen to both voices, Calm down and Pull it together, pick up those damn balls you dropped and start juggling.

The Balancing Act

The Layout

The day started bright and early (okay not so early, more like 11ish) at the "office" looking for apartments to go check out... there were two potentials and both are a no go. This took from 11-4ish, very very time consuming! So from there I had a last minute go-see (print audition) for Regis... I am so crossing my fingers on this! I'd been to this casting house before it's called Lafayette House and it reminds you of Victorian styled bed a breakfast! Very Cozy and comfy, not to mention they remembered me from a casting I went to in the summer time and Raved about my "new look." Still with all the positive feedback you just never know what they want. From Apartment Hunting, to go-see's to networking! That's right the day didn't stop after the casting, my job (which is auditioning and networking) continued...

The Meeting

I met with Micheal Raymen, and agent at Don Buchwald and Associates (DBA). One of the top 5 commercial agents. As normal, got some good praises... and some critics. Lets go with the good stuff first. My copy (commercial script) was good, I had tons of great energy, and he enjoyed watching me! He said I was "entertaining and adorable"...score! Now with all that you'd think he'd wanna sign me... well only time will tell, but he did give me critics on the not so good parts... He said although the energy was high and great, it was a little all over the place and needs to be focused a little more. Note taken Mr. Raymen!

The Skinny on Micheal and DBA

From the Q/A portion, Micheal seems to know his job very well... he has been doing it for over 25 years. His memory is unbelievable (this means he's really good at his job) Below are some interesting facts...

1) They worked with signed clients only... meaning Commitment! Only DBA can send you out on Commercial Auditions.... they do not freelance. There are pro's and con's to signing and freelancing (there are many books about it) like whether to sign or not, when to sign etc. When you first start out, I would freelance to get a feel for the industry and who you like but when DBA wants to sign you... SIGN (if you have a decent to strong resume, that is)

2) They only send you out for union jobs! This can be a tricky situation especially for those just getting into the business or actors whose resumes aren't strong. (Strong resumes will typically have student or Indie films and reputable theatre on it, TV co-star and guest star roles, as well as reputable acting training on it) Once you join SAG you can't do non-union work... (I say this lightly, because there are ways you can do non-union jobs, and still be a SAG member but that's another whole blog) but normally speaking, you can not do non-union work when you join the union.

Why this is a tricky situation... Lets say you do book a SAG commercial and have to join SAG, but your resume is weak for Legit work (non- commercial jobs). Based on your weak resume, you probably won't be considered for the big resume building jobs because you appear not to be "ready" you have nothing on your resume that shows you can carry a Broadway show or no reel that show you act. However, because you are in the SAG Union, you can't do the non-union jobs that will give you more experience and build your resume because it conflicts with your union laws. Like I said... if your resume isn't the strongest yet, deciding to sign with a Agencies that only sends you out on Union jobs might not be the best place to start.

The Bigger Picture

As each day is passing in the New Year, I am getting back on track with pulling my life into alignment. There are many different areas that shape your complete life and it cannot be all work and no play... well at least it can't be for me. I need all areas of my life to be on point or at least headed in that direction. Today was a balancing act with personal life, my "audition life" also known as acting career and networking life. Tomorrow is filled with classes starting back, first day back on the "day job"...what I do for eats and keeps... and ending it off with another networking meet and greet seminar. The point is, as an Actor, BALANCE is at an all time high... you gotta be organized to handle your personal life outside of acting, and not let it effect or drain you professional life... as well as deal and be flexible with the high demands of this random world of show business. It's not easy, but the more you do it, the better you are at juggling the balls and if one happens to fall you're able to continue with the rest that haven't.

Back in Business

The Intro

A couple blogs ago I wrote about my plan of attack... a line up of meetings with Agents and Casting Directors to kick off the New Year with a bang. And the other day I've talked about doing the hard stuff/ facing my fears... Well tonight's meeting brought another opportunity to do just that.

The Story

I meet with Erica Palgon. She has been in casting for over 15 years and recently started her own casting office. When you sign up to do a seminar (a networking type meet/greet and showcase your work) there will be a breakdown of what you can showcase... it will be a commercial copy, a monologue or cold sides... For Erica, the breakdown said you could chose between a commercial or a comedic monologue. Seeing that this is my month to go hard at the commercial world, not to mention I haven't worked on my monologue in over 3-4 months, truth be told I don't even have it memorized well either.... so after the first person went... The Host informed all of us that Erica was only going to see monologues, she didn't care if they weren't "worked on" because of the confusion, but she can get a better idea of who we are based on a monologue vs commercial copy... I'm faced with a choice... do my monologue and get feedback on where I'm at right now... or leave. I chose the option that made my heart beat a little faster. I choose to do the monologue and get some feed back... and I did pretty good too, considering. More so I learned where I was at now... and the work I need to do.

Information from the Event

Erica definitely has great energy! She's all about motivating actors... she actually has a consulting company she built off of her work in casting over the years. She loves finding "un-tapped" talent... it gives her a kick.... that being said If your resume isn't the strongest she's one to meet! Plus she loves her job.

Ready or Not???

The Story

Hide and Go Seek was one of my favorite childhood games. But as the New Year has begun, and inventory has been taking and goals have been set... why am I still playing this game? Why am I still finding the best way to hide... myself that is...

The other night I wrote about how fear got the best of me... As I sit at my favorite coffee spot with my two best friends as we plot out our moves to "take over" I am reminded of how much stronger I feel when I'm surround by people who love me... surrounded by Family. Standing up to my fears is not as hard when I have hands to hold, a shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen... I read Sidney Poitier's Life Beyond Measure, about year ago before I'd move back to New York and he spoke about fear... and how so many people let their fears shape their life. "I'm scared to do A, so I do B" and the pattern continues and there you have a life built on fear. He said something about how he walked the line between life and death... Not that I want to be that daring just yet, but maybe like the game goes... ready or not? 2010 is no doubt is going to bring many changes to my life that I don't know if I'm ready for... But regardless it's time to come out of hiding, show my hand, face my fears and keep it moving... It's time to hang up my childhood game and at least take some steps closer to that line that Sidney Poitier so boldly walked.

Sleepless in the City...

The Story

I didn't sleep much last night... at all really. I spent the night tossing and turning feeling hot then cold. My chest was tight with anxiety, I was unable to hold the little tears from coming down my face. I started my New Year off just how I wanted surrounded with my dear friends laughing the night away, so why has this dark cloud that I thought I left in 09 found me so soon. I am referring to my fears. They got the best of my last night... I feel like this is the year that matters. This is a year of pressure to succeed, to get 100% healthy, to become an adult. This has to be the year to go big or go home (literally). I can't afford to have many more nights like that. I need to found my grounding and stand tall and face the fears... as a friend said, this is the year to do the hard things...

Ignorance is Bliss... but Knowledge is Power

The Scoop

Wether you make New Years Resolutions or not, the start of a New Year tends to be a good time to take inventory of your wants, goals and accomplishments... A BIG want for myself, (besides the obvious of career goals and of course falling in love getting married having adorable little babies HA!) is to not be such an Ignorant Person!!!! I don't know if I've touched on my many areas of ignorance as an adult yet, but this is that time to put them out there in hopes to hold myself accountable in gaining knowledge this year. The three main areas, and the mini stories that go with them... As well as how they tie into my acting career.

POLITICS, FINANCES, MEDICAL INSURANCE

1) Politics

When Obama was elected, that was my first time actually voting in a presidential race (I know SMH- so disappointing seeing that I'm 28 and not 18). What's even worse, I didn't exactly know why I was voting for him other then for superficial reason and going along with what more educated people in my life believed (which isn't a bad idea...) But it still bugged the hell out of me that I didn't know what each candidate's policies were or what they saw for the future. After the victory, I did read one of his books and felt better about my voting decision. However after I read the book my other areas of life took over and my wants of becoming political aware fell to the wayside. Today, I still have no clue as to what is going on in the world of politics (or the world for that matter), other then the school systems are losing money, more and more people are out of jobs and there are many debates over Health Care. I know in this day and age information is a click away, so there really are no excuses for me not to be informed.

My Goal for Politics: Read the paper daily, and check out the BBC news stories at least 5 days week.

How it effects ACTING: Because of the economy, Guest Star/ and Co-Star Roles that are typically filled with no named actors are being given to A and B list actors. More and More Commercials are becoming non- union. Daytime and Prime-time series are keeping actors at a "recurring" status vs Contract role status in order to pay them less. More and more shows are filming in Out of the United States and shows are being cancelled.

2) Finances

Why oh why did I not major in business!!! I was a communication Major at college, Minor in Theatre. At one point I wanted to be a speech writer. Looking back now, I wish I would have majored in business and minored in Finance because no matter what you do when you get out of school, Business is involved. And money makes the world go round so having a solid knowledge of it wouldn't have been a bad idea for me. My ignorance with money is that I don't know what I should know (Oh that sounds bad). Words like CD's and High yield Savings and investments strategies, and stock, or what's my net worth? WHAT??? HUH?? I don't get it? all of that reads like german to me. Luckily for me, my parents were pretty firm when I went to college not to get a credit card, so the one thing I "think" I have going for me is a decent credit score.

My Goal for Finances: I heard that the book Young, Fabulous and Broke is a good start...

How it effects Acting: You are your business, and think of it like you are getting a Doctorates, IT's EXPENSIVE!

3) Medical Insurance (UGH)

When it comes to medical insurance, my ignorance, is at an all time high. I don't often talk about my health... nor do I plan to now other then saying point blank, I need health insurance. I've been blessed to be covered on a Cobra plan via my Dad for the last 3 years, but as of January 1st that expired. My "day job" doesn't offer it. As far as Acting, I haven't become a part of SAG(Screen Actors Guild) yet, let alone reached the # of required work days on SAG projects that would make me eligible for their insurance policies. I went to apply for an individual plan at Blue Cross/Blue Shield and what they offer is pathetic. They allow 2 doctor "office" visits a year and after that you come out of pocket. Prescription coverage only up to $2000 dollars??? Some of my Meds alone cost up to $5000 dollars. As for Medicaid... I have to make less then 700 dollars a month before taxes to be consider... WTF!

I had to take a deep breath, I don't want to pass all my negative energy to others.

Thankfully, I have very educated and supportive parents when it comes to health insurance, so I know I will be okay, but what about all of my fellow aspiring actors and low income friends that jobs don't offer medical insurance and may not have supportive parents as I do? What do they do? or What can they do? I know this ties back to becoming political aware of what's going on with Health Care Policies.

My Goals for Medical Insurance: Read more about the current Health Care Plans that are out there for all levels of income.

How it effects Actors: Have you heard the saying "starving artist" Most beginner Actors have to find "gig" type jobs to get by, which don't offer Medical Insurance Plans. Actors must maintain a healthy lifestyle because we are the product. If we are working a low budget or student film and get hurt or sick, we are faced with do I spend money on a Doctors Bill or do I pay rent? Definitely not fare! but as my Dad loves to point out... who ever said life was. Still be aware as an Actor going the extra mile to say healthy is a smart move!

The Bigger Picture

Ignorance is Bliss, but Knowledge is Power... so true. Would I rather be living in a Fantasy world of bliss, or would I rather have power to make a difference in my world. Not saying one is better then the other, there are day's I definitely want my fantasy world... but more often I want the real. I want to matter or be of relevance in this world as a friend tends to say and strive for. To do that, I need to aware, I need knowledge in many different areas of life. These are my top three for this year. Lets see what I can learn...