I sit here at my desk on a Friday night consumed with thoughts. I am suppose to be preparing for a birthday party, but all I can think about is acting… my scene for acting class; my character for movement class and my speech for voice class. During the train ride home I was reading over a part in my scene and I knew cerebrally that I “should” feel something, I should have an opinion about what was going on, but I just sat on the train thinking… thinking…thinking, then I tried to feel, feel, feel and NOTHING. It was a vague emptiness that I felt, which is horrible for an actor. Where is my opinion, my point of view? Then a scary sensation came over me… maybe I couldn’t figure out my point of view about the situation in the scene because I didn’t care. I felt nothing. I kept trying to plug in “as if” but I was blocked nothing came and then I sat there trying to force myself to feel what I “think” I should feel and that just felt fake. It’s weird that when I’m in class hearing my teachers speak about life in the way they do, it is so deep with passion, I’m inspired to do something... I’m inspired to push myself harder... I'm literally bubbling with this creative energy when they speak. They “light the match” so-to-speak. I can't help but wander why can't I do that with my imagination? Movies, the theatre, music, speeches, books can also move me and inspire me to want to do more, be more and not take life for granted. This might be there very reason I wanted to act in the first place is the ability to inspire through stories. Yet when I am working on this scene (and my speech for that matter) I feel robotic, I feel like I am just saying the words “correctly” and not letting the passionate energy push the words out. I can't just feel a slight ripple of energy about life as an actor, I have to allow life to “land” on me…. I have to feel not a ripple but an explosion that tears my heart open so then I SPEAK the line! The words are result of feelings, otherwise why are we talking?
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