A Temper Tantrum

I’m sitting in my hotel room crying my little eyes out like I am 2 year old whose favorite toy gotten taken away from her. Bur instead of it being a “toy” this time, I feel like my comfort zone, my safety net was swooped up right from under me landing me in a world of unknown, not quite New York, and definitely not Kalamazoo. I cut my hair off a couple days ago thinking some how it would rid me off all the negative feelings of frustration that has been building up in me from the past couple of months or so, but it only made me more unrecognizable to myself. I thought my short “break” would aid in me getting a new zest on my journey as an actress, and some how it made me question my purpose in life. In another entry I talked about being able to bring a voice to the voiceless, but right now I feel I can’t even find my own voice to work with. Its like I’m trying to be someone I was years ago… a much more carefree spirit. But as it was pointed out to me by a dear family member, maybe one of my “problems” is that I may still be trying to be that 22 year old that I was at 28. I got my first “critic” of my blog a couple days ago. A friend mentioned that it was a little “safe” HA. She was right to an extent. I tend to sugar coat life to make it a little sweeter. That and my Midwestern (keep all “issues” private) mentality leads me to have a soften feel to my writings. I tend to do this in my acting unless pushed to the limit and then I explode. I have to think that what I am feeling is felt by a number of artists while they are on they own journey of expressions. In terms of Acting, It’s important not to judge. It’s important to gain a deeper understanding of myself because it is my tool, my product if you will. It’s important for me to know what and where my blockage comes from and that playing it safe can only prevent me from the true artistic freedom that I desire. Holding on to past moments because of whatever reasons only means I’m missing out on the present moment and thus doing myself a great injustice not only as an actress but also as a human being. So as I wipe away the last of these evening tears from my eyes, I’ve seem to have found my zest to return to the “rat race.”