Life Goes On...

The Story
I'm at work holding back tears because I'm stressed out! (And I was just on cloud nine because I moved into a brand new beautiful apartment and I love it)... but how my emotions can change in a blink of eye. My medical insurance ended... and procrastination has gotten the best of me yet again because I was suppose to have been dealt with my insurance at the beginning of the month... but I kept putting it at the bottom of my list of things to do... and when I went to apply today there was a 3 hours + waiting list... WHO THE FUCK HAS TIME TO SIT IN A SMALL DIRTY ASS ROOM FOR 3 HOURS... why can't I just fax the information in! I really don't know what to do... If I have to potentially wait for 3 hours... Fine, I'll go on my day off... but what is weighing on my chest is that I have no more medicine and this is a problem because I had a kidney transplant in 01' and I need medicine to make sure my body does not reject my kidney... needless to say, I'm a little worried- well my fear is that now that everything is coming together in my life... I'm scared that everything is going to crumble apart like it has in 06' and again in 08' and this time it will be my fault because instead of accepting that I have health issues, and dealing with them like an adult... I do what I do best and pretend they don't exist. So here I am, chest is tight... I can't have a breakdown because I'm at work... so I'm just waiting til 10:30pm to go home and cry in my pillow (because that's going to solve it) I know, I know that's not going to solve anything, I just need to release this stress and deal with it on my "day off".... Ugh really not feeling myself right now!

Tough Choices
When I'm going through frustrating times, I tend to want to take a "time out" of my life and hope that when I come back all problems are gone. What I don't want to do when I'm stressed out is make tough choices... but I am now faced with going to the doctors tomorrow (which would seem like a must) however... Tomorrow I have a performance in my Voice/Speech class that I can not miss... then movement class. To make matters worse got called into the "principal's office" today (My Acting teacher) saying that I was doing well, however... I can't miss anymore of my other classes. "DO NOT MISS ANYMORE" I don't want to give up training, when I'm learning so much and can see and feel improvement, especially for health but if I neglect my gift (My eldest brother gave me his kidney) the amount of guilt well be beyond anything that I could handle.... and to top tomorrow off I go straight from class to work... I agreed to cover someones shift and prior to that I've given away a # of shifts to make it look like I make less money for insurance purposes.... so needless to say, I need the money.

The Bigger Picture... (a couple hours later)
First, let me start by saying... It took a while for me to figure out what I wanted to take away from this life lesson because my head was clouded with negative thoughts... but I believe (besides the obvious of prioritizing and growing up) is that when you are dealing with stressful events, things that hurt you or things that frighten you... sometimes you don't have the luxury of taking a "time out" from your life... you have to "put on a face" and get through the day. Your responsibilities don't go away... they are still there when you come up from that pillow...

I've been saying I was going to deal with the tough stuff this year and face my fears (and I thought I had which has had me feeling pretty damn good)... but then this came about and I guess God is putting them all in the same month, because Lord knows my health scares the shit out of me... and now I have no choice but to deal with it. I think the real big picture here is not allowing the hurt and pain and fear to cause you to shut down... and block the world out, that even through the tough times decisions must be made, responsibilities must be taken care of and that life goes on...