Giving into the Moment...

The Story
"Give into the moment...." this expression was used repetitively today in class. So as I sit here at work I think about what that means in terms of acting and life in general and why I at times this is difficult for me to do.

We had a cheer in high school that went "Power up... you never Give up and never give in." Clearly this chant was for competitive sport games... but the idea tends to transfer to my every day thinking that if you give up or give in... you are weak... you lost, Game over. So the idea of giving up or giving in to anything, fucks with my head quite frankly. Especially if the moment is painful, or consumed with unpleasant feelings. However, in relation to acting, giving in to the moment is not looked at as weak, or a loss... It's your strength. It's your freedom. It makes you a present actor...which are the best kind of actors, the type that make people flock to the stage to watch your work. It's breathtaking.

I can not count the number of times that I've been overly pissed off (and rightly so), but held my tongue. Or how many times I've been hurt but would not give into the tears. I'd paint my face as if I didn't have a care in the world... and all the while, throughout my body I can feel my blood boiling... my chest tightens. I've done this so much that even those times when I did want to scream out at the top of my lungs what I'm feeling, I was mute. I felt stuck and all that energy stayed right in my chest... "I" become frozen, and I let my "representative" live out the next few moments of life. My representative knows how to deal with these unpleasant moments very well...she avoids them, or intentionally deflects the moment's truthful impact for fear of being judged or looking weak.

I've heard since I was young... "don't where your heart on your sleeve," " keep your head up," "Never let them see you sweat," "always keep em' guessing" and so on. Thus at some point in life I must have created a "representative" of myself to take on these moments as a way of protection? or a way to fit in? or because it's what's political correct. But here I am at Esper studios and every class is like taking a jack hammer to that representative I've created. I think that is the goal first year, is to break "it" down so all I have left is me in my rawest most vulnerable state, and when I get there... I can then be able to work from a grounded non- superficial state of mind, non- surface level being. I can become the beautiful fearless actress I'm striving so hard to be.

The Bigger Picture
During the course of Life, at some point you're bound to build walls and live from those structures. Hell, now of days we build "pages" on Facebook and what have you. We've built these "representations" of ourselves for numerous reasons (good and bad) and use them as means to communicate... yet at times are surprised (or disappointed) when what we see... or read (or created) is not what we get. Or we wake up one day and not know how to process what we are feeling, because we've had our representative doing it for a long time. No wonder there are so many interpretations of what being "real" or "truthful" means anymore. Acting, and the particular training method I've chosen is forcing me to break my representative down... at least in terms of acting. This is stressful, and painful and freeing all in the same line. I think the bigger picture of "giving into the moment" is letting go of control... The process continues.